LOYD BURL AND THE HOOTER’S GIRL

CHAPTER 2

Saturday, April 4, 1987

AFTER THE FIRE A STILL SMALL VOICE (1 Kings 19:12)

            “I got you a date with Cat,” my roommate Kyle told me with delight.

            “What are you talking about? Why would I want to date a Cat?” I asked with a frown.

            “Not a furry feline, you idiot. I’m talking about Catalina.”

            “Who’s Catalina?”

            “You know that Hooter’s waitress you asked out the other day.”

            “Oh, you mean the snobby girl that looked at me like I had two heads.”

            “No, I mean that hot chick who reconsidered.”

            I am a rather shy person, especially around beautiful women. I tend to get tongue tied very easily. As a matter of fact, approaching Catalina in the first place was unlike me. But that’s how strong my attraction to Becky was, and Catalina looked like she could have been her sister.

            “Why would she reconsider?” I asked skeptically.

            “It seems Mona convinced her that you’re a gentleman.”

            “That’s why she reconsidered?”

            “Not exactly,” Kyle replied with a wince. “I won four tickets to the sold out country jamboree concert tonight.”

            “Tonight? Tonight’s only a few hours away. Plus, I don’t like country music.”

            “It’s not my fault you slept until noon. I won these tickets calling into a morning radio show and had these double date plans worked out before sleeping beauty woke up early this afternoon. As far as country music goes, you may not like the music, but you’ll like the arm candy you’ll be escorting.”

            I felt a surge of butterflies in my stomach before I replied. “It’s true that this Cat woman is beautiful to gaze upon, but she seems to be witchy to the max.”

            “Dude, she not only agreed to go out with you, she said you were cute and seemed sweet.”

            “She really said I was cute?”

            “Yeah man! I heard it myself over the phone as Mona pleaded with her to go out with you.”

            “Pleaded!”

            “No, no, I miss spoke. Just talked her into.”

            “Talked into! How exactly did the cute part come up?”

            “Well, when she reluctantly gave in.”

            “Reluctantly!”

            “Dude, do you want to go out with a hot chick or not?”

            “I don’t know. In light of her agreeing to see me, her initial rejection scares me.”

            Kyle looked at me sympathetically, and then spoke to me softly and slowly, as if trying to get something across to a child. “Listen old buddy. As a rule, Cat not only doesn’t date guys she serves at the restaurant, she has never dated a guy that has stepped foot into Hooter’s period.”

            “Why?”

            He shrugged. “It seems she thinks all guys that come into Hooter’s are creeps on some level. She believes their motives are primarily lust over the food.”

            “She’s a waitress there! She puts on that uniform and puts herself in a lustable position!”

            “Dude, I didn’t say she wasn’t a hypocrite.”

            “Why does she even work there?”

            “Well, I’m gonna guess a Hooter’s waitress gets better tips than just about anywhere else. But maybe you’ll find out when you get to know her.”

            “I don’t think I want to get know her.”

            “Oh, but I think you do, my dear friend.”

            “Why do you want me to go out with her so bad?”

            “Because I think you two are right for each other.”

            “Is that so, Cupid? Would you mind telling me why?”

            “Several reasons. One, I’ve never seen you ask a girl out. Two, I’ve never seen you go on a date. Three, you’ve never brought a girl back to our bachelor pad. And four, I happen to know that at one time you aspired to become a priest, thereby you would be taking a vow of celibacy. In turn, the lovely Catalina is chaste.”

            “She is? A Hooter’s waitress? How do you know that?”

            “See, you’re stereo typing just like she did. She confided to Mona just last week that she broke up with the guy she had been seeing for the last six months primarily because he was pressuring her to go all the way. Plus, Mona has caught her more than once reading a little Bible she keeps in her purse. I happen to know you frequently read the Bible. Don’t you see, old chum? I could start a match making business, and you’re getting my services for free. So how about it? Why not give the lovely Catalina Clutterbuck a chance? She’s giving you one.”

            I nodded reluctantly. Catalina wasn’t the only one. With great hesitancy, I said, “Okay.”

            Five hours later, Kyle and I entered Mona’s apartment. Mona was petite with long corn silk blonde hair with intense light brown eyes. She had a vibrant, bubbly personality and her cheerful smile probably won her more tips than any other waitress.

            Catalina’s long auburn hair was down, as she aimed her cool gaze on me. She was wearing faded blue jeans and a very soft looking white sweater. My breath caught at her beauty. It was as if the actress Diane Lane and I were looking at each other. Without even speaking, I could feel my tongue knot up, but managed to breath a ‘hello.’ She grunted a ‘hi’ as we shook hands, and her hand was surprisingly cold and limp.

            To my absolute horror, we had barely set foot in the apartment when Mona said, “You two make yourself comfortable. Kyle and I will be back in a few minutes.”

            “Where are you going?” Catalina asked with wide, concerned eyes.

            “We have to get… something,” Kyle stammered before the door slammed behind him.

            Catalina and I looked at each other. She looked angry, and I felt frightened. So I suppose I looked scared as well. She took advantage of my vulnerability.

            Catalina snorted and put her hands on her hips. “I don’t know why I agreed to this.”

            “Me neither.”

            She looked taken aback. “What do you mean, you asked me out the other day?”

            Her snooty attitude was making her unattractive, and therefore loosening my tongue. “It’s true, I did. You see you reminded me of a younger version of someone I’m quite fond of.”

            “A little advice when pursuing a woman. A lady will not be impressed that your interest in her is because she reminds you of someone you would rather have.”

            “Thanks for the advice, but your similarities stopped with how you look. As soon as you spoke, I knew your personalities were different.”

            “Meaning?” she asked with squinting eyes. If ever someone had lazers for eyes, it was Catalina Clutterbuck. The weird thing was how such pretty eyes could look so mean.

            “It’s as simple as she’s warm and friendly, and you’re cold and unfriendly.”

            For a second she looked hurt, and I almost apologized. But then the defiance doubly returned. “So why didn’t you ask her out instead of me? Or did she say no?”

            “She’s married. Or was, she’s going through a divorce. She’s also eleven years older than me, and we are co-workers.”

            “Where do you work?”

            I told her, then asked. “Speaking of work, why do you work at a place known for its young lusty waitresses in sexy uniforms when you resent guys, you know, lusting after you.”

            “For one thing, I don’t mind guys admiring my, um, attributes. I just don’t like them hitting on me or asking me out. Most of my customers don’t.”

            “Sure, because they probably hear you speak before they have an opportunity and noticed that your personality is the opposite of your appearance.”

            Not only did I get the lazers, her jaw tightened. What got in to me? I didn’t talk this hostile to anyone, let alone an exceptionally pretty girl.

            “I’ll pretend you didn’t say that.”

            “Pretend all you want.”

            “As for the uniforms, they are of an athletic nature, right down to the tennis shoes.”

            “Give me a break, athletic?”

            “Speaking of tennis,” she continued with a stiff face and bitter tongue. “Put any of our waitress’s in a tennis outfit, and she’s probably even more, as you say, lusty.”

            “Fair point,” I replied mildly. “Look, it seems you and I both don’t want to be paired together. You want to go this concert, and I guess I just didn’t want to disappoint Kyle.”

            “Disappoint Kyle? Why would you disappoint Kyle?”

            “He literally begged me to go to this thing,” I said with a chuckle. But then I immediately regretted my words when I saw the incredulous look on her face.

            “You seriously had to be begged?” she asked aghast.

            “It seems like you did too. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. Whatever that means.”

            “But my situation is different.”

            “What? Like you’re better than me?”

            “Yeah, I guess so,” she replied with a shrug, and as if I wasn’t being sarcastic.

            “Aren’t we full of ourselves.”

            “No, you’ve got to understand something. I’ve never ever went on a date with a guy that I know has come into Hooter’s.”

            “Wow, you must want to go to that concert pretty bad.”

            “I don’t want to go to that stupid concert.”

            I was stunned, my mind whirled with the reason why, so I voiced it. “Given the very little I know about you, Clutterbuck, why are you here?”

            She looked at me with wide, cautious eyes. It was so much better than the cold, witchy lazers. Then she bit her thumb, and I got a lump in my throat. She was adorable! “Would you call me crazy if I told you I think the Lord wanted me to go out with you?”

            “No, I wouldn’t call you crazy, but I’d call me curious.”

            “You believe in God, right? Mona told me you were kind of religious.”

            “Yes, I believe in God,” I replied a little baffled. I sure didn’t expect our cantankerous conversation to do a complete one-eighty and end up in a spiritual discussion.

            “Well, I heard a still voice, you know, like Elijah. I couldn’t get you out of my stupid mind for some reason.”

            I frowned, wondering if I should be flattered or insulted by that last sentiment.

            “Anyhow, I kept thinking about how Mona said you were different, coupled with, well, I hate to admit it, but you are pretty cute.”

            It felt like my cheeks were coloring. I also sensed that my tongue which had been loosened by her snootiness, was tightening up from her now open, friendliness. She leaned toward me, and although a shy fellow by nature, she had me intrigued and I leaned toward her.

            “So I’m pondering whether to give in and go to that lame concert thing. I’m praying over and over as I’m doing the dishes in my apartment. When I finish, I go to my Bible, open it up, and do know what verse my eyes land on?”

            She looks at me as if waiting for an answer. How could I possibly know? So although my tongue now feels like it has been injected with Novocain, I say, “Wah-wah what?”

            She didn’t seem to notice my nervous response, or so I hoped. She pulled out a Bible from her oversized purse. She opened and flipped through pages. She handed me the Good Book, and I took it from her, hoping my fingers wouldn’t tremble. It was opened on the book, the Song of Solomon, chapter one.

            “Read verse two,” she said.

            It read: Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth—For your love is better than wine.

            I looked up at her. I was both excited and terrified. She was staring at me with intense, but warm eyes. She slowly licked her lips, not trying to be sensual. She seemed to be in deep concentration before she said, “Loyd, I think I’m supposed to get to know you.”

            My heart rate had increased so much, I’ve always wondered how I didn’t pass out.