CHAPTER 15

BILLY BOB

Shortly after I told Willa I was going to marry Carly, it was a brief, yet power kiss with her that took me by surprise, and ultimately complicated my life even more. At first, I felt like she did it innocently. But then if simply friendly, why on the lips? I never had kissed Lyle or Dirk on the lips. I’ve hugged both men, but never even kissed them on the cheek, let alone lips. And it even turned out that Lyle… Never mind, not now.

With our time spent together, riding and studying scripture, I grew to love her as a dear friend. Now this quick kiss somehow transformed my feelings to something deeper, and somehow mysterious. Her beautiful face was an inch from mine. No—Connected to mine! Now my feelings for Willa, that had been similar to my feelings for Lyle or Dirk, now mirrored my feelings for Carly. Oh no!

I constantly had to keep myself from thinking about Willa. I loved our horseplay, pun intended with our riding adventures. I loved our deep conversations. I loved her feisty mannerisms when she was passionate about something. I loved her deep looks of concentration during Bible studies. I absolutely loved her conversion and abandonment of her old lifestyle, praying that it held. I loved her perky smile and her girlish playfulness, despite being one tough cookie.

But I also loved Carly, and I had just won her back. We had a long history, and being with Carly felt comfortable and safe, despite our problems. But she had betrayed me, and Willa and I clicked in a way I never did with Carly. But that was because we were just friends, wasn’t it? Even so, could I get beyond Willa’s past? But what about Carly’s recent past?

Sure, Willa had done sexual things with many men, but not the act that makes babies. At least not for a long time, and never for pay. Although Carly had been sexual with only one man besides me, she did do the act that makes babies. As a matter of fact, the proof was in her womb.

“I love you more than you’ll ever know.” Willa’s words kept echoing in my head. ‘Behold all things become new’ resonated behind them from my imagination.

 But the reality was that I was going to marry Carly, and Willa was developing a relationship with Devin Easton. I had known Devin for a couple of years, and I was skeptical that he was turning his life around. Maybe I was just jealous, I don’t know. What I did know was that I needed to let go of my feelings for Willa. I needed to adhere to the good pastor’s advice and stop hanging out with Willa.

Ironically, I felt more troubled about Willa and Devin than I did over Carly and Niles. How could that be? The only thing I can figure is that, after the pain of our initial break up, I somehow learned to hold on loosely to Carly. Even as I relished having her back, something in my brain wasn’t all in.

The ability to keep part of my mental and emotional state detached came in handy. I had gone over to Carly’s apartment, and for some reason, I felt compelled to go around back. She lived on the ground floor and had a patio with sliding glass and screen doors. When I approached the sliding doors, I saw the profiles of Carly and Niles. Carly was sitting in a kitchen chair, and Niles was behind her massaging her shoulders. I moved off to the side and spied on them. Something that had nagged at my subconscious came to the forefront of my conscious mind. Despite forcing myself to be detached on some level, I didn’t know if I could ever fully trust Carly again. Was I making a mistake marrying her?

Niles kneaded Carly’s shoulders for a couple of minutes. She wore a satisfied smile, and her eyes were closed. Niles said something and she laughed. Niles tucked a hair strand behind her ear. He slowly lowered and kissed her cheek. She not only didn’t resist, but she tilted her head giving him easier access. He kissed her cheek a couple of more times before applying them to her neck. Then he began to unbutton her blouse. As he worked on the second button, Carly sprang to her feet and buttoned her blouse back up. It didn’t go beyond my notice that she giggled rather than seeming angry. She said something. Then Niles grinned and put his hands up in a defensive position, as if to say you can’t blame a guy for trying.

“That’s enough, Niles,” she said loud enough that I could actually hear. “You should probably go now. But thanks for the massage though.”

“Anytime,” he replied with a grin and a low, seductive voice.

She kissed him on the lips! Albeit quick. Then she playfully shoved him and demanded, “Go!”

Oh well, Willa gave me a friendly kiss on the lips. The question remained, how friendly were these kisses?

I covertly leapt over flowers and made my way quickly toward the front of the complex. I felt both guilty for spying and mystified by why I felt inclined to go to her back door in the first place. I went through the main entrance, took six steps, and poised my finger to push the doorbell when I heard heated voices. Maybe not heated, maybe passionate. I paused very still to listen.

“Because I’m going to marry William,” Carly said.

“When?” Dr. Niles wanted to know.

“We haven’t set a date.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. He wants to make sure everything is right between him and me, I guess.”

“What a joke,” Niles snorted. “You two dated for six years. I’d marry you today.”

“I appreciate that Niles, I really do, but no thanks.”

“But you’re carrying my child, not his.”

“He’s a better man.”

“He’s a ditch digger,” Niles spit. “I’m a doctor.”

“He’s a landscaper, not a ditch digger. And although you’re a doctor, you’ve hit me,” Carly spat back at him. “William wouldn’t hit me in a million years.”

“I deserved that,” I think he said. “I’ve told you countless times that I’m sorry. I was going through a stressful time. It was a reflex rather than a conscious effort to do you harm.”

“That’s no excuse,” Carly said sternly.

“You’re absolutely right,” Niles conceded meekly. “I’ll get going.”

“Niles, wait,” Carly said. “Let’s not part ways mad.”

“I’m not mad. I just want you back so bad it’s killing me, especially with you carrying our child.”

They began talking so softly that I couldn’t hear them. I put my ear to the door, but I still couldn’t make out what they were saying. After a minute or two, I heard the door handle rattle. I tiptoed quickly toward the main entrance as if I had just arrived right when Niles came out. He gave me a big, phony grin as he extended a hand to shake.

“William,” Niles said as if he was actually delighted to see me.

“Niles,” I returned as we shook. “Sorry if my hand is a bit dirty. I’ve been doing some ditch digging.”

His smile faltered. “Good for you.”

“Hey, you,” Carly said seductively as she wrapped her arms around my neck and kissed me, causing Niles’ fake smile to completely disappear.

“I’ll be seeing you,” Niles said, glancing at me as if to make sure his words sunk in.

It worked. It was rapidly occurring to me that the reality of Niles being involved in our relationship was going to be even more difficult than I had anticipated. In the coming moments, I needed to exhibit extreme mental discipline to not display the jealous feelings that were beginning to overwhelm me. My memory kept recalling the soft kisses that Niles applied to Carly’s cheek and neck. Which she allowed!

My mind’s eye watched his steady doctor’s fingers working buttons on her blouse before she finally stopped him. But she did stop him. Just not as quickly as I would have hoped. They did not proceed to the bedroom. Yet she never should have allowed the light kisses and unbuttoning in the first place.

“You seem rather subdued,” Carly said after she closed the door.

“To be honest,” I shrugged. “Niles being part of our relationship is going to be more difficult than I anticipated.”

“He’s not part of our relationship,” Carly insisted with hands on hips. “He and I are parents of the same child. It’s just a little weird because the child isn’t born yet. But the simple fact is, he and I are both in different relationships now. In less than a year it’ll be just like a divorced situation, sharing custody.”

“Niles is in a relationship?” I questioned, trying not to ask with too much enthusiasm.

“Well, he’s getting pretty serious with a woman that he’s been seeing for the last few weeks. That’s all I know.”

“So he’s not trying to woo you back?” I asked, giving her a little test. Love and romance can put you in odd situations. What was I doing with a woman who was pregnant by another man? A man that I just saw giving her more than friendly attention. Even if she gave me a satisfactory answer, I needed to seriously rethink our marital destination.

“Oh, I don’t know,” she laughed uneasily. “What do you call wooing?”

“I think you know,” I said calmly.

“Yeah, I guess he is,” she said with a suddenly serious expression as she looked at me intently. “He tried, well, getting fresh right before you arrived, but I stopped him.”

“Thank you for being honest with me,” I told her, trying to encourage her confession to go deeper. True, she ultimately stopped him, but she wasn’t exactly urgent about it.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” she asked with a touch of offense in her voice.

“Well,” I mumbled stupidly and softly. “You did cheat on me.”

“I did not cheat on you,” Carly said with sudden anger. Then she pointed a hostile finger at me before her voice raised another decibel. “With great reservation, I broke up with you before I even so much as kissed Niles.”

“Fair enough,” I said quietly but sternly after we stared at each other for a long moment. “But you did betray me, and if you don’t see that, I’m gonna have to rethink this reconciliation.”

Were we always going to go back and forth on this? Would we ever get past this? Sometimes she acknowledged betrayal, while other times she denied it. Oh well, moodiness just seemed to be part of Carly’s personality. As she and I engaged in another stare down, my feet got cold, metaphorically speaking. I wasn’t just getting Carly back; I was getting Niles also, regardless of how she saw it. And I did not want even a little bit of him.

I could tell by his behavior that he was going to be very involved with the child. I also perceived that he was going to be as caring and loving with his baby’s mother as possible. His child’s mother! My Carly, and now to whatever extent, his Carly. For they would forever share a child. What kind of bond would sharing a child bring between them? My spying told me that there certainly was something there. But how much? And would it grow or diminish?

“I’m sorry,” I told Carly gently. “But I think it would be best if we put marriage on hold until after the baby is born. And even after, we should wait and see how things work out with this, um, you know, parenting situation.”

“What?” she blurted as she grabbed my arm in desperation. “Why? Billy, you said you would help me raise him or her. You are going to be the primary father… figure. I hope.”

Father figure, she hoped. “Look there’s nothing wrong with waiting. Marriage is a big step. A huge step and commitment.”

As much as I wanted to experience physical intimacy again, I knew I was making the right decision to prolong our courtship. Besides, did I trust Carly enough to commit my life to her? Did I love her enough to not only raise another man’s child, but have said father there in the midst of the childrearing? But what was my life without Carly, other than romantically lonely?

I hated the prospect of dating or courting again. The only other woman even remotely interested in me was a recently retired prostitute. How could such an exquisite beauty like Willa stay with a homely man like me? But if Carly betrayed me as a seemingly conservative Christian, what were the odds of a former prostitute remaining faithful?

And why was I interested in romance in the first place? I seemed to be happiest out in the wild or outside working. Attempted relationships only seemed to bring trials, angst, and confusion to my life. Yet we all need downtime, and who wants to spend it alone? As much as I liked Lyle Lake, my coworkers, and my church family, it was a woman that I longed to dine with and cozy up to after a hard day’s work.

Carly appeared to be deep in thought. She looked at the floor as she chewed on her lip. She fiddled with the top button on her blouse, and after a minute, unfastened it. This was done in a distracted manner, rather than seductive.

She didn’t know that I had observed Niles’ attempt at seducing her. I wondered if she was experiencing regret at stopping him. Then again, maybe she was trying to entice me.

She looked from the floor to my eyes. A year ago I was able to get a good read on what she was thinking. But that was when I thought I knew her. Now I was struggling with trust, and trust was a big word. An important word.