CHAPTER 14

WILLA

Being brand new to the Christian faith, I found out the hard way why Jesus instructed his followers to watch and pray that ye enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak (Matthew 26:41). Peter tells us to be sober and vigilant because your adversary, the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8).

I discovered rather quickly that there are many important and necessary contradictions with spirituality. You have to die to self to have life (Luke 9:24). You need to surrender to be free. The second you think that you’re humble, you’re not. I could go on, but I’ll finish with one that saved me from returning to my old life. That is, if you look to anyone but Jesus, you will be lost. Yet it seems that God’s main tool in ministering to floundering souls is Godly people, fellow human beings. You just need to beware of wolves in sheep’s clothing. That can be very tricky indeed.

After my night of debauchery and messing around with Devin, I was so discouraged with how easily I had fallen. I actually contemplated a return to my old life (Proverbs 26:11, as a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly). If not for the friendship of Destiny Knight Storm, I might have been calling my former clients back. But because of her encouragement and friendship, I repented and amped up my vigilance. Or so I thought.

I still shake my head at that fateful day. I had gone to Whitney’s place intent on sharing my new faith with my cousin. Instead I ended up letting her share her boyfriend with me. Ironically, he was a man I initially disliked, despite his good looks. When I thought Devin was Dirk upon first sight, I never would have imagined we would be kissing a few hours later.

I was so distraught when I woke up in that dingy, dank shop of Devin’s with my brain foggy and disoriented. Later that day, I couldn’t hide a look of discouragement when Destiny opened the door to her home.

“Sweetie, what’s wrong?” Destiny had asked with concern. Brock appeared at her side like a large, menacing phantom. I knew it was out of concern for me in the case I was in danger. But I felt so ashamed with his presence.

“I sinned big time last night,” I replied quietly.

Brock and Destiny glanced at each other. “I’ll go to the shop and give you ladies some privacy,” Brock said.

“Thank you, Snuggles,” Destiny said, and then a startled look came onto her face as Brock’s eyebrows shot up.

“Snuggles?” I repeated as a smile grew onto my face, despite my mental anguish. She called big, powerful Brock Snuggles!

“Oops,” Destiny said as she grinned sheepishly and blushed. “I mean, thank you, dear.”

“See ya, Snuggles,” I said with a sarcastic smile as Brock moved past me. He put out his hand to shake. I gripped his strong paw, and he pulled toward him a little.

“Don’t ever call me that, punk girl,” he said with gritted teeth like Clint Eastwood as Dirty Harry. “Don’t ever tell anyone she calls me that either.”

            “I won’t,” I said with wide eyes. “Maybe.”

            “Maybe?” he asked, scowling and tightening his grip a little.

            I puckered up and moved my face toward his as if to kiss him. His eyebrows shot up in surprise, and he loosened his grip. I dug my thumb into the hollow by his collarbone and pressed hard. He began to howl as I drove a knee up to his groin. He twisted his leg to block, even though I had no intention of driving it home. “Never let your guard down,” I said with my own gritted teeth. “I won’t be pushed around by any man whether it be Smith, Wesson, or Storm.”

 “Well played, little lady,” he chuckled as I released him. Then jokingly, he hung his head in shame. “I guess I’ll have to live with everyone calling me ‘Snuggles.’”

I laughed and put a hand on his arm. “Your secret is safe with me.”

Before I knew what was happening, my backside was pressed into his in the tightest bear hug I could imagine. I couldn’t have been more immobile if I was strapped to a gurney. He spoke right into my ear. “Never let your guard down.”

“Point taken,” I squeaked, and he let me go.

I spun around in a karate stance, giggling. “Are we done?”

Brock got into a defensive stance, as he laughed. “Sure, you came to talk with Dee, not spar with me.”

“Actually, the levity helped my mood.”

“Good deal. Hang in there with whatever you’ve got going on. Dee’s wise beyond her years.”

Brock fist bumped me as he left. I felt very satisfied with our little encounter. I had heard that Brock often engaged females he felt comfortable with in playful combat to give them a taste for self-defense. I felt privileged that he felt that way about me, and I had a lump in my throat as I considered what dear friends I had made.

“Thanks,” I told him as he left for his shop. Then I turned to Destiny and groaned, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be roughhousing with your husband. He started it, though.”

“Actually, I did,” she said with an exasperated smile. “God as my witness, I’ve never called Brock ‘Snuggles’ in front of anybody before, ever. It’s a private nickname.”

“Not even Amy and Dirk?” I asked, puzzled, referring to the young couple that Brock and Amy considered their adopted, albeit adult children.

“Are you kidding?” Destiny asked. “Not once. They’d never let us live it down. He’d be constantly known as Snuggle by them. And to be honest, he doesn’t really like me calling him that. I call him that kind of teasingly.”

“So, why’d you say it in front of me?”

“I guess I was so distracted wondering what your dilemma might be that I wasn’t thinking clearly,” she replied with a sweet smile.

I was feeling feisty, but I was about to come off as a jerk. I suppose in an attempt at self-justification and my frustration at how disciplined most people at her church seemed to be. “So, you weren’t bringing every thought into the obedience of Christ?” I asked a little sarcastically, referring to 2 Corinthians 10:5.

“I guess I wasn’t,” she shrugged with a gentle smile, “If what I divulged was a sin rather than a secret. Sanctification is the work of a lifetime. Jesus wants obedience out of love, not necessarily requirement. On the other hand Solomon calls it a duty in Ecclesiastes. But there again the duty springs from love.”

I instantly felt like an idiot. How on earth was Destiny calling Brock by his pet name in front of me a sin? Destiny just happened to say it spontaneously and because her mind was preoccupied with me.

“I’m so sorry, Dee,” I moaned.  “It’s my own lack of obedience that made me lash out.”

“Oh, you didn’t lash out, honey,” she soothed. “You’re just frustrated. Now, tell me what’s going on that has you feeling discouraged.”

I told Destiny all about my exchange with Devin, how I was strangely drawn to him and felt some sort of kinship. I told her how I told myself one drink wouldn’t hurt since I figured that at the most it would give me the tiniest of buzzes. I stopped talking after that, almost wishing I wouldn’t have come to see Destiny.

“So what happened next, sweetie?” Destiny prodded.

             “We actually had a really good conversation,” I told her. “He even tried to kiss me, and I rejected him. But we kept drinking adult beverages as we talked. He became animated at times, and I kept thinking that he is so incredibly gorgeous. It probably started with Dirk, Dee. I mean, he is smoking hot, and the two brothers could almost pass for twins. I mean, don’t you think Dirk is really hot?”

Destiny cleared her throat uneasily as she adjusted a bobby pin in her honey gold hair, which was mostly pulled back in a ponytail. Her eyes were wide, and she wore a silly, almost guilty smirk. “You do realize that Dirk is sort of like a son to me,” she said.

“Sorry,” I giggled with the tips of my fingers over my lips. “But isn’t he?”

“Dirk is a rather fine-looking fella,” she said clearing her throat again as she smiled. Her eyes looked slightly amused. “Brock calls him a pretty man.”

“Pretty indeed,” I cooed.

“Willa,” Destiny grinned mischievously as she slapped my leg. “He’s also married to my sort-of-daughter.”

“His brother isn’t,” I said more seductively than my shame should have allowed. More proof that I needed to tell Destiny that I was bowing out of Cotton Creek Cove. “That’s why I came here to tell you that I think I’m gonna stop coming to fellowship.”

“Why? Because you messed up?” Destiny inquired.

“It’s more than that,” I almost whined. “I just fell so easily, Dee, in such a short time.”

“So you don’t want to quit coming?” Destiny asked. “You’re just feeling unworthy?” I bowed my head and nodded. “Oh, sweetie,” Destiny said soothingly. “God is so patient with us. Don’t give up. In fact, let me get something for you,” she said, springing to her feet and running upstairs. She returned a couple of minutes later with a large piece of paper, almost the size of a poster. “I made this when I first came to Christ and had feelings like you’ve described.”

It was done in bold, pink lettering and outlined with light blue. Each letter was about two inches in size. It was Lamentations 3: 22-23 (It is because of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness). Then Destiny grabbed her Bible and read Psalm 136 to me. All twenty-six verses ended with ‘His mercy endureth forever.’ When she finished, I was gently weeping. This time, I hugged her and kissed her cheek.

“I’ve only known you a short time, Dee,” I croaked. “But I love you so much.”

We laughed, cried, and hugged each other for a good minute. “Are you gonna quit coming then?” Destiny wanted to know when we broke apart.

“I guess not,” I replied meekly.

“Why just a guess?” Destiny asked.

“I just still feel so unworthy,” I replied, feeling incredibly humbled.

“That’s why you fit in perfectly,” Destiny enthused as she took hold of my hands. “Think of our fellowship like an AA for sinners. We don’t pretend righteousness; we seek it. Satan attacks everywhere, though, so you’ll come across judgmental, self-righteous people there to be sure. But just remember that, first and foremost, you have a friend in Jesus. You also have unwavering friends with the Storm clan. Even if you go back to prostitution, you are always welcome here. Got it?”

“Got it,” I replied with a smile.

“Oh!” she said excitedly as she picked up her Bible again and flipped to Philippians 1:6. “Being confident of this very thing, that He which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.”

“Thank you, Dee! I’m glad I came here.”

“It’s truly my pleasure,” Destiny said with such love and compassion in her countenance that I moved toward her for another embrace.

“You are welcome in this home no matter what direction in life you choose, understand?” she asked as she released me.

“Thank you,” I whispered, nodding like the energizer bunny.

When I left the Knight Storm’s and went home, I decided to make my own Bible verse poster using Philippians 1:6. I made my letters yellow and outlined them with red. I hung them side-by-side with Destiny’s poster on my bedroom wall. With my hands on my hips, I was smiling with satisfaction when my phone chirped that I had a text. I suspected that it was Devin. He had tried to call me several times, but I had ignored him. The text indeed was from Devin, but what it said surprised me.

Devin apologized for the previous night and said that he had felt like he had taken advantage of me. He also said he wanted to continue to get to know me, and he wanted to take me out to dinner that very night. I was surprised on two fronts: first that he felt like he took advantage of me, and second that he wanted to get to know me. In our drunken ramblings, I had very graphically told him about my life as a prostitute.

I texted him back and told him that he did not take advantage of me. I apologized for my behavior as well. I told him I wasn’t interested in romance right now. I told him that it was my intention to never have a drop of alcohol again, so even sharing a kiss was out of the question. Not even a minute after I hit send, my phone rang.

“Hello.”

“Willa.”

“Who’s this?”

“Oh, please.”

“I don’t know anybody named Please,” I said and hung up.

I smiled at my playful orneriness. My smile faded when first one minute passed and then another passed without Devin calling back. I felt relieved when a text chirped. He asked me to dinner again and declared he wouldn’t so much as try to shake my hand. I called him.

“Hello.”

“Devin.”

“Who’s this?”

“Oh, please,” I giggled.

“I don’t know anybody named Please,” he said and hung up.

I pulled the phone from my ear and stared in disbelief at the words ‘call ended.’ I set the phone on my nightstand, crossed my arms, and waited for it to ring or chirp. After a couple minutes, I sat on my bed and crossed my legs. After a couple more minutes, I flopped onto my back and sighed. My phone rang, and I sprang up like an eager teenager.

“You’re something else,” Devin’s voice chuckled into my ear.

“Actually, I’m Willa. Who’s this?” I smiled into the phone. What he said next sent tingles of fear and excitement through my whole body.

“It’s your potential soulmate,” Devin said. “The former whoremonger and the former whore. We’re destined to be together.”

“Are you joking?” I tried not to stammer.

“Not even a little bit,” he replied.

“Devin,” I said softly. “I told you I’m not looking for romance right now.”

“I know. Right now, let’s just pursue friendship.”

“What about last night?” I asked.

“What about last night?” he repeated. “We didn’t have sex.”

“Close.”

“It wasn’t horseshoes.”

“Huh?”

“Close only counts in horseshoes.”

“Whatever,” I chuckled as I thought how much that epitomized life. “What if it gets in the way?”

“Why would it get in the way?”

“Because we are both very sexual people.”

“So?”

“Devin, just so you know, I don’t intend on having any form of sex again unless I’m married. Plus I don’t even know if I’m suited to marriage.”

I acknowledged this not only to Devin, but to myself. The thought saddened me because I was discovering that I did long for love and intimacy.

“Why?”

“Why? Are you stoned? I’m gonna venture to suggest that you might not be suited for marriage as well.”

“Maybe,” he replied nonchalantly. I laughed, despite myself. “Look Willa,” he said. “You were a whore, and I was a whoremonger. We were meant for each other.”

“I was a whore,” I chuckled, not liking the fact pointed out. “Tell me what you really think.”

“I did,” he said cackling. “Look, you and I are probably equals in a perverse way. Although I never charged anybody.”

“What about your cougar lady?”

“That was more of a salary situation,” he replied. “So how about dinner tonight?”

“Just as friends, right?” I insisted.

“Absolutely.”

“You are seriously planning on courting me with no plans of intimacy?”

“I am,” he replied emphatically.

“I have a hard time believing that, since we already sort of sampled each other,” I warned. “And I am not giving into temptation, I promise.”

“Well, don’t then,” he said seductively.

“I won’t.”

“Then don’t.”

“I won’t.”

“Then don’t.”

“Oh shut up.”

Not only did Devin and I go out to dinner, but we also began to see each other regularly, talking or texting multiple times a day. He kept to his word for the first few weeks or so about being a platonic gentleman. Then he started putting the moves on me, and I turned him down flat. I believe he did hold true on giving up womanizing. But who knows about people’s secret lives? That’s why relationships are so tricky and make us so vulnerable.

If Devin was the right guy for me, why did I feel such a continual sense of loss and jealousy over Billy Bob reconciling with Carly? I needed to just move on. The next time I saw Devin, I broke my own rule and kissed him on the lips. He ran with it and began an attempt to repeat our very first night together. Before we even got a little carried away, I put a stop to it.

“Willa, you’re killing me!” he complained. “Haven’t I proven myself by now?”

I shrugged and nodded.

“Then let’s be off to the bedroom,” he grinned.

“Not until we’re married,” I said.

“Then let’s get married,” he said without missing a beat.

“Are you serious?”

“Totally.”

My first thought was what Billy Bob would think if I got married before he did. What a foolish motivation to accept a marriage proposal. But I never claimed to be wise. “Okay,” I heard myself say.