CHAPTER 13

BILLY BOB

As Carly and I attempted reconciliation, we did have a clash over Willa. She had two demands in particular. She wanted me to stop horseback riding with her, and she didn’t want me to have Bible studies with her, suggesting Destiny or one of the other ladies handle it. With crossed arms and pinched lips, she insisted I do something about it. So I did. I told Carly that she and I were not going to work out.

During the course of our relationship, Carly tended to be bossy and controlling, while I was passive. Those days were over for good if she really wanted me back. If she wanted a second chance with me, it was going to be a two-way street going forward. Not only was I enjoying my new friendship with Willa, I felt like we fed each other spiritually. Her hungry soul inspired me.

Carly was surprised at me putting my foot down. It was her first taste that things were going to be different. The irony for her was this change was her doing. If her betrayal hadn’t disrupted our relationship, our pattern with her demands and my “yes dears” would have only intensified with marriage.

So after I put my declaration, Carly conceded with Willa and I continuing Bible studies followed with horseback riding once a week. Pastor Samson, AKA Captain Kirk, counseled me that it wasn’t a good idea for me to hang out alone with a female friend apart from my prospected wife.

Right or wrong, I defied the good pastor’s council. It proved to be both a curse and a blessing. After my experience, I can see why it is dangerous for a person in a relationship to be alone with a person other than their significant other, especially when there is an element of attraction between the two. However, the wedge Willa drove between Carly and me ultimately shined light on areas of my relationship with Carly that I needed to see.

Despite these obstacles, Carly and I continued to move forward with the work of restoring our relationship. However, five or six weeks into Carly’s and my reconciliation, we had a major hiccup, and Willa had nothing to do with it.

Carly had come over to my place after a doctor’s appointment, and she was beyond distraught. She was inconsolable for several minutes as my mind frantically wondered what type of devastating disease she had. Finally, she blurted her ailment, and it made my head spin.

“I’m pregnant,” she said with immense displeasure.

“But we haven’t been intimate,” I replied, bewildered. Then I instantly assumed she had been unfaithful again.

“It had to have happened the last time I was with Niles,” she said sadly. “I’m three months along.”

I had noticed that Carly had put on a little weight, but in a good way. She had become a little bit gaunt during the stress over her breakup with Niles. Carly buried her face in her hands and whimpered. I sat next to her on the sofa and put my arm around her, gently pulling her into myself.

“It’s alright,” I soothed.

“How can you say that?” she croaked. “You and I had been making such good progress despite your friend… Never mind. But we’ve been doing so good, and now, it’s ruined.”

“It’s not ruined.”

“Weren’t you listening?” she asked quietly as her lower lip trembled. “I’m going to have a baby, and Niles is the father. I’ve been so happy this last month, hoping that at any time you might slip that ring you have on my finger. But now…”

“Why? Does that mean that you want to get back together with Niles?”

“No way!” Carly spit.

The jealousy that began lurking in me was stuffed down by the tremendous love that I felt for Carly. “Nothing is ruined, honey,” I soothed.

“Really?” she squeaked. “You mean it? Even though I’m carrying another man’s child?” Carly’s words were like a punch from the green-eyed monster, but I instantly shook it off, replacing it with love and compassion.

“Obviously I’d rather you be carrying my child,” I told her. “But we have our whole lives ahead of us to have more kids together.”

“I love you so much,” Carly said before she threw her arms around my neck and hugged me. “Billy, would you pretend to be my baby’s father?”

“What do you mean?” I muttered.

“Would you claim the baby is yours?” she asked.

“You mean, you’re not gonna tell Niles that he’s going to be a father?”

“No,” she said with a small voice. “I mean, I don’t want to.”

“Oh, Carly,” I said, standing. “I admit that I don’t like Niles, but the man has a right to know that he’s going to be a father.”

“But Billy,” Carly said, grabbing my arm, “more likely than not, Niles is going to want to be a part of the child’s life. That means that he will be yoked to us in some capacity for the rest of our lives.”

I felt suddenly sick having this pointed out to me. But I couldn’t change the fact that he was the baby’s father and that he had a right to know. Besides, there was no way I was going to live a lie.

“We’ll deal with it,” I told her. “I’d be honored to be your baby’s stepfather, though.”

“So you’re not going to leave me?” she asked with spilling tears and quivering lip.

            “No, I’m not,” I insisted as I guided her back to the sofa. “Hang on a minute. I’ve got something for you.”

She didn’t respond. She just grabbed a couple of tissues, began wiping her eyes and blowing her nose. I went to my bedroom and dug the engagement ring out of my desk drawer. I went back to Carly and knelt on one knee in front of her.

“Carly, will you marry me?” I asked, showing her the ring.

She let out a gasp as her mouth sprang open and her eyes widened. “Yes, oh my, yes!”

She displayed a trembling left hand in front of me and I slid the ring on the appropriate finger. Her response was music to my ears. She admired the ring on her finger for a minute before her mouth covered mine hard and we kissed for a few minutes. When I began to feel a strong desire to take her to bed, I stopped us.

“Let’s put the brakes on this kind of passion until we’re married,” I suggested.

“When will that be?” she smiled coyly.

“Not long after the baby’s born.”

“Not until after the baby’s born?” she moaned as she pushed away from me. Then she bowed her head and nodded.

A week later, Carly and I went out to dinner. Then we retired to my place. As I waited for her to use the restroom, it occurred to me that she had never mentioned anything about Niles since she had revealed her pregnancy to me. I purposely gave her space to get herself adjusted to her situation. Plus, I felt like I did my part. I refused to lie about being the baby’s father, and I declared that the biological father had a right to know. Now the ball was in Carly’s court. If she chose not to tell him, that was her prerogative, and I trusted her reasons.

Carly was wearing a dark green polyester shirt that clung to her chest and slightly protruding stomach. For a woman that was a bit bigger than average, she was in great shape. “An elderly lady at the grocery store today asked me when I was due,” she said.

“Did you mind?” I asked.

            “Yes and no. It is a bit early for people to notice,” she said, smiling dreamily as her left hand did slow soft circles over her belly. When she stopped caressing her stomach, I stepped toward her and began rubbing where she left off. “You seem truly excited about our baby,” Carly beamed before she kissed me softly on the lips.

I couldn’t help smiling at her saying ‘our baby.’ “I am,” I replied.

“Just so you know,” she said, “I wholeheartedly consider you the father. But you were absolutely right. I need to let Niles know that he was a sperm donor.”

“You haven’t told him yet?” I asked as her words unsettled me for some reason. She smiled sadly as she shook her head. She placed a hand over mine and massaged with me. “I called him, and we’re going to meet for coffee tomorrow,” she said.

“I see,” I said, apparently unable to hide my uneasiness.

“You don’t mind, do you?” she asked with a frown.

“Of course not,” I replied.

“I’m doing this because of your influence, you know. You said I should tell him.”

“I know.”

“Billy Bob,” she said as she placed her hands on her hips and took a step back. “Remember how important communication is. I’ve known you a long time, so I can tell when you’re not happy about something.”

“I’m fine,” I assured her as I took her hands in mine. “I just assumed when you informed him that he was going to be a father, it would be over the phone. But I get it. This is something best told in person.”

“Not only that,” she said cautiously. “I was hoping to find out what role he wants and expects to play in his child’s life.”

I hope I didn’t flinch when she said, ‘his child’s life.’ This time, jealousy and insecurity overpowered my love and trust in Carly. She stared intently at me as I forced a smile. She put both hands on the sides of my face.

“Read my lips,” she said emphatically. “I wholeheartedly see you as our child’s primary father.”

I knelt in front of her and kissed her growing stomach.

“I love you so much,” Carly said with moist eyes. “Will you please make love with me?”

The temptation to do just that was overwhelming. Not only because of the sexual arousal I was feeling, but also the desire to make some type of claim over Niles. Something like claiming my territory, I guess. How twisted and animalistic is that?

I had discovered a controversial radio program through Brock Storm called The Seven Sallie Show. Seven Sallie happens to be Brock’s cousin. Anyhow, something Seven Sallie says quite often is that there is nothing more frightening than our own soul. It is a paraphrase of Jeremiah 17:9, and I couldn’t agree more.

“We’ll make love when we’re married,” I said soothingly.

“You’re so frustrating,” she pouted playfully.

The next day, Carly went to have coffee and a conference with her former lover. I went horseback riding with someone who had rapidly become one of my closest friends, Willa.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Willa asked after we dismounted our horses and walked to a rippling brook.

“Huh?” I replied dumbly.

“You’re spacing big time,” Willa said grinning and bumping her hip into mine.

“Something seems to be on your mind, too,” I replied, trying to grin back.

A pained look came over Willa’s face as she casually removed her flannel shirt, revealing a rather revealing spaghetti strap top. It had warmed up probably ten degrees from the time we started, so she didn’t do it on purpose to entice me. She seemed oblivious to my bulging eyes.

My head turned away from the sensual vision, but my eyes didn’t follow, lingering on the erotic sight for several seconds. So, my head obeyed the command not to lust, but my eyes rebelled. There’s nothing more frightening than our own soul, indeed. It occurred to me that the pastor’s council was correct. Being alone with Willa was becoming dangerous.

Willa had gathered a few rocks and began to throw them into the stream. I grabbed a handful and joined her. I hadn’t told anyone that Carly was pregnant or how serious I was about marrying her sooner rather than later. I debated whether to tell Willa and get it off my chest. I recalled lusting after her just seconds ago, and anger with myself propelled the words from my mouth.

“Carly’s pregnant,” I blurted.

Willa’s arm was cocked to throw a rock. It froze in mid-motion, and the rest of her body followed suit. Her head slowly turned to reveal her stunned face, complete with gaping mouth and wide eyes. “You knocked her up?” she asked with a quiet, yet disapproving voice.

“No, Niles apparently did right before they broke up.”

“Thank God,” I think she whispered with a sigh and a hand to her forehead.

“So did she cheat on you again?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head.

“So does this end your reconciliation with her?”

“No,” I chuckled, suddenly feeling foolish. “As a matter of fact, I asked her to marry me last night.”

“Billy Bob Booker,” Willa barked before she dropped her rocks and shoved me hard with both hands on my chest. I almost fell over as I stumbled.

“I take it you don’t approve,” I stammered as I regained my balance.

She folded her arms, snorted, shook her head, and then turned on her heels, marching down to the creek. I followed cautiously behind her. She pulled off her cowboy boots and socks. She rolled up her pant legs and stuck her feet in the creek, wiping a tear from her cheek. I eased next to her and sat cross-legged.

“You’re really this upset about me marrying Carly?” I asked with a frown.

“That’s not it,” she said and then looked at me. “I slept with Dirk Easton’s brother a week ago. Now we’ve gone out a couple times since, and I’m not sure how I feel about it.”

“You had sex with Devin Easton?” I asked louder than I intended. Now I was experiencing angry disapproval.

“Shh,” Willa replied with a frown as she glanced around, even though we were completely alone. I was surprised by the feelings of jealousy that surfaced within me. They were as strong as the feelings I had over Carly getting together with Niles. “No… we just slept.”

“Good,” I breathed, and wondered why I cared so intensely.

“But we were, you know, pressed together… and he had an arm around me. But we were dressed. We had kissed for a while too, but I stopped us before it went any further.”

My feelings over this information was strange. I didn’t know what to think about it, but I asked, “How did you meet Devin Easton?”

“I met him at my cousin Whitney’s condo,” Willa explained. “I gave him a ride to where he was staying, which was the back room of his business. Then we decided to hang out for a while. I gave in to temptation and had a drink he offered. That led to another and another. We ended up getting fairly drunk. Then we ended up kissing. But I did not have sex with him.

“I freaked out when I woke in the morning with his arm hanging over me. When I realized I was pretty much fully dressed, I relaxed some. But I was still devastated that I drank so much and then engaged in intimate behavior with a guy I had just met. I mean granted, I was a whore, but …”

Willa put her hands in her face and began to weep. I gave her time.

“Take heart,” I said after she calmed down a bit. I put my arm around her shoulder. “All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.”

“Dee told me something similar,” Willa said as she rested her head in the crook of my neck.

My act of putting my arm around her shoulders now felt overly intimate. Her thick, silky brown hair was embedded into my neck and cheek. It smelled faintly of roses and fresh air. “What did she tell you?” I asked, hoping she didn’t notice the squeak.

“After I told her everything about the day and night with Devin,” she explained, “Dee asked me if when I took a shower, did I ever drop the soap? I told her ‘Of course.’ Then she asked, “Do you stop taking a shower when that happens? I told her ‘Of course not, I picked up the soap and continued on.’” To my relief, Willa lifted her head off my shoulder and faced me as tears popped from her lovely golden eyes. “Do you know what she told me?” Willa whimpered.

“Tell me.”

“She said, ‘That’s what you need to do, too, sweetie’ with the most loving, understanding smile I had ever seen in my life. You pick up the soap and press on… So, what do you think about how Destiny reacted to my failure?” she asked with a small voice.

“I agree with Dee one hundred percent,” I replied with a grin as I gave her hand a squeeze.

Later, when I dropped her off at her home, she took hold of my hand and interlaced her fingers with mine. She kissed me softly on the mouth, taking me by surprise. There clearly was mutual attraction between us.

Why Willa seemed drawn to me, I couldn’t fathom, but it was obviously there. And now that she was becoming so spiritual, I was becoming more drawn to her than ever. Maybe my friendship with Willa was unfair to Carly. But wasn’t Niles now being a permanent part of my life with Carly unfair to me?

“I know you’re going to marry another woman,” Willa said, “but I love you more than you’ll ever know, Billy Bob Booker.”

 “I love you too, Willa Wonka,” I said with a grin.

Willa laughed before a sad look came into her eyes and her lower lip trembled. “Unfortunately, we love each other in different ways,” she said quietly as those once hard, cold eyes glistened soft and warm in the moonlight, penetrating mine.

“What do you mean?” I asked, my brain confused and discombobulated.

“I’m in love with you, Billy,” she said quietly. “And you love me like as a friend. But even being loved as only a friend is still a blessing.”

She gave me a moment to respond, but the confusion in my brain only intensified as I stared at her like the dumbfounded idiot I was. Without a word, she got out of my truck and slowly walked to her house. I watched her, not with lust, but desire.

I needed to heed the pastor’s council and stop seeing Willa alone, because she was wrong in thinking that I loved her only as a friend! My feelings for her were not similar to my feelings for Lyle, or Dirk, or Amy, or Brock, or Destiny. My feelings for Willa were similar to the woman I just put an engagement ring on.