CHAPTER 4

WILLA

After Lyle and his friend Billy Bob left, I put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt, joining Zella in her store. She and I had met six years previous in Los Angeles when we were both aspiring models. She and I clicked from the start when we discovered that both of us had grown up with major dysfunction. At the time, she was being stalked by a former boyfriend. Since we both were souring on the modeling profession, I suggested that she flee with me to Iowa. I had lived there with my aunt and cousin Whitney during a portion of my teenage years.

Zella and I went in together on an old two-story house. We set up a store on the first floor, selling herbs and various health supplements. Zella also was into the paranormal and had a sideline doing psychic readings. Toward the end of my modeling career, I had gained notoriety as a dominatrix. So I turned that little bit of fame into personal encounters for a pretty penny.

 Zella had a passion for saving animals and worked with a rescue organization. The more the animals were abused, the more she tended them with loving care and devotion. Then she would adopt them out. But when she worked with a dog she called Free, she fell so in love with the creature that she couldn’t let her go.

 Zella was the sweetest, most caring person I had ever known, and I loved her immensely. I still do, but the way I feel about her has changed from the years we lived together. Because we shared a house together, people assumed things about our relationship. When people got nosy, we would never confirm nor deny. I will say this though. Both our sexual preferences were good men. We had just hadn’t met any, so we hung out with each other.

“Willa, can I ask you something?” Zella inquired cautiously as I twisted open a bottle of water, took a big swallow, and leaned on the counter.

“Of course,” I replied with a frown. We were best friends so why would she feel the need to ask if she could ask me a question?

“That Billy Bob guy,” she asked tentatively, looking uneasy. “What did he request?”

Zella had never ever, not even once, asked me what a client had requested. We’ve discussed my clients before, to be sure, since some of them have been coming to me for quite a while. But it had always been me that brought up the subject. “He wanted me to be his date for a wedding.”

A look of relief seemed to wash over her, and I frowned some more.

“He didn’t want you do anything weird or kinky?” she asked happily.

“No,” I informed her. “He didn’t even want me to do a little strip tease for him! I even told him there was plenty of time on the clock. It was the first time I felt like I might be getting washed up.”

“Are you gonna do it?” she asked eagerly.

“No, I told him I don’t do escort stuff. Why are you asking about him anyway? You never ask me about my clients.”

“I witnessed an absolutely amazing thing when you were with Lyle,” she said in awe, her lovely eyes wide as can be. “Free not only let Billy Bob pet her, but she also offered her belly, and he scratched it for a couple of minutes. If she was a cat, she would have been purring big time!

I looked at Free as my mouth fell open in absolute amazement. A prickling sensation tickled my neck as I absorbed this information. Zella had owned Free for at least two years, maybe closer to three. Free was near death from abuse when Zella got her, and the canine despised men. I continued to stare at the dog. It was a cold, early spring day and Free sprawled lazily by a furnace duct. I looked back at Zella.

“It was a sight to behold, Willa,” Zella said as her lower lip trembled and a tear leaked from her left eye. “That big, rugged, outdoorsy man’s face just suddenly radiated peace and love like I’d never seen before in my lifetime! His voice was so sweet and gentle, it was like an angel’s. I almost lay next to Free so he might scratch my belly, too.”

A chill ran through my body as I started to laugh, and then I realized I was wiping moisture from my own cheeks. I did detect something very different about the man. Around most guys I feel a sense of power as their eyes worshipped me. With Billy Bob, I felt a sense of shame and insecurity as his eyes continually averted away from body.

Another unusual thing about our encounter was his eyes. At first glance there was no beauty that you would behold them. But unlike most men, who averted their gaze through either intimidation or lust for my body, he looked me right in the eyes during most of our conversation.

I saw several things in his gaze, coupled with his demeanor as we had dialogue, and they seemed contradictory. I saw gentleness, kindness, insecurity, integrity, embarrassment, and sadness. I hated to turn his request down, and not just because it would have been a lot of money for a couple hours work. I truly felt bad for him. But I was selfish, and an introvert who hated social gatherings.

However, I couldn’t get Billy Bob off of my mind after Zella’s revelation. I had to know more of who and what this guy was about. I needed to see him again. I also could make several hundred bucks seeing him again, even though social events were about as appealing to me as going to the dentist.

An hour after Zella’s incredible story, I got hold of Lyle and asked for Billy Bob’s number. Then I called him. “I’ll take you up on your offer,” I said by way of greeting.

“Uh, who is this?” he asked.

 “Sorry, it’s Willa,” I told him. “I decided to go to the wedding with you if you still want me to.”

“Um, sure I do,” he stammered. “What changed your mind?”

“It’s too much money to pass up just to go to a wedding for a couple hours,” I told him.

“Okay then,” he stammered. “How much will you charge me?”

“Five hundred flat,” I offered. “Unless it goes over five hours.

“Okay,” he replied happily. “That sounds very reasonable, considering what you charge for, you know, the other stuff you do.”

“When is it?” I demanded irritably, not liking his ‘other stuff you do’ comment.

“Two weeks from Saturday.”

“What time will you pick me up?”

“Well, the wedding is at two, so I guess around one.”

“Alrighty then. I’ll see you two weeks from Saturday at one.”

“Willa,” he blurted before I ended the call.  “If you were to agree to do this, I was kind of hoping we could get together sometime beforehand. You know, just to get to know each other a little bit before the wedding. That way it might feel more natural when we attend the wedding.”

“You mean like a date?” I asked with a tone of disgust. I was glad he couldn’t see the sour expression on my face.

“No, more like a couple of friends hanging for an hour or two. I’ll pay for your time.”

“So, what, like get a cup coffee or something?” I asked trying not to sound put off.

“Actually I had something else in mind,” he said. “How would you like to go horseback riding?”

I froze, absolutely stunned! I loved horseback riding, but I hadn’t done that since I was 14. Who was this guy, and how did he know that would be something I’d like? I had to focus hard to say composed.

“I’d go horseback riding,” I murmured into my phone. “But what makes you think I would want to?”

“When I was looking at Zella’s photos on the wall, I noticed a couple photos of a horse. One had a little girl who looked like it could have been you when you were a teenager.”

“Yeah, that was me,” I replied, hating how vulnerable I was beginning to sound.

“I’m good friends with some people who have horses, and they let me ride whenever I want to,” he replied.

“Sounds good,” I told him. We established a time for him to pick me up two days later.

“I like your truck,” I told Billy Bob when he picked me up 40 hours after we had talked on the phone. “What is it?”

“58 Chevy short box,” he replied. “This is my fun truck. My everyday truck is a Ford F250.”

The truck was partially fixed up. It was painted flat black and had four-wheel drive that definitely didn’t come from the factory almost 60 years previous. By the sound of the engine, it also wasn’t stock. It had bench seats, and I ran my hand across the dark grey upholstery which also didn’t come from the factory. I didn’t like how drawn I was feeling to this strange guy. Without thinking, I said something stupid to try to turn him off. “I lost my virginity on the bench seat of a pickup.”

“How nice for you,” Billy Bob said mildly. Yet I deciphered a hint of sarcasm.

“Yes and no,” I replied. “Teenage boys are horrible lovers.”

He glanced at me and raised an eyebrow.

“For the most part,” I said with a shrug. “Just saying. How about you?”

“What about me?”

“Where’d you lose yours?”

“Well, this is an interesting way to start a conversation,” Billy Bob said with a frown.

“You wanted us to get to know each other,” I replied.

“I guess I did,” Billy Bob said with a chuckle. “But that’s an aspect I don’t care to discuss. It’s kinda personal, don’t ya think?”

“Why, are you a virgin?” I sneered, trying to make him feel uncomfortable with what I perceived as limited sexual experience.

“I wish I was,” he said, looking me right in the eyes so intently I looked away. Why did I look away? This irritated me! I despised judgmental religionists. But Billy Bob was different. His attitude was… Loving.

 “It was after senior prom,” Billy Bob said, and then sighed regretfully.

“Was it the gal you want to make jealous at the wedding?”

Billy Bob winced. “I don’t like it put that way, but yeah. Just so you know, I want you there, so I don’t feel like I’m some kind of a lonesome clod while she’s arm in arm with my replacement.”

“And you plan to achieve that with a stunning female,” I said lightheartedly.

“Aren’t we a little conceited?” Billy Bob teased with an arched eyebrow.

“I’m just a realist,” I shrugged. “I know I’m very attractive. That’s why somebody is willing to pay me several hundred dollars to go to a wedding with him.”

Billy Bob wiggled uneasily in his seat, and I smiled maliciously to myself. I was also amused at how similarly we were dressed. Sure, we were clad for the same activity, but it was almost identical. We both wore old blue flannel shirts and baseball caps. We both wore faded Levi jeans and brown cowboy boots. Only Billy Bobs were well worn while mine didn’t have a single scuff. I had only worn these when a customer requested that I dress like a cowgirl. So they had never once accompanied my feet outdoors. Until now.

“You didn’t answer me,” I said. “Was this wedding girl your first?”

“First and only,” he said. “Carly is the only woman I’ve ever loved.”

“Love,” I said sarcastically.

“You’ve never been in love?”

“No,” I replied coldly.

“You don’t love Zella?”

“Oh, you’re just assuming were lesbians?”

“Are you?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“So you didn’t love the bench seat guy?”

“Hardly,” I snorted. “I didn’t even like him.”

Billy Bob’s mouth fell open, and he stared at me incredulously for a couple of seconds before turning his eyes back to the road.

“What?” I frowned. I was starting to think this was a mistake. I considered calling it off.

“You lost your virginity with a guy you didn’t even like. How, why?”

“He was physically attractive and popular,” I said with a shrug. “Look, Billy Bob, I don’t believe in love and intimacy like you seem to. Shouldn’t that be obvious since I am, you know, a prostitute of sorts?”

Billy Bob nodded in confirmation with a sad expression that surprisingly made me feel unsettled. It amazes me now that I had become so hardened. I didn’t even feel ashamed of what I had become. Until Billy Bob’s influence.

“Willa, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend you,” Billy Bob said when he noticed my displeasure. He was so sweet and genuine; it was hard to be mad at him. But I felt like excrement nonetheless, so I sat frozen. “Willa, I was just trying to have dialogue with the topic you started.”

“Fine,” I snapped. “I thought we were just gonna get familiar with each other. I didn’t expect to have my life put under a microscope.”

“Like I said, I was just trying to converse with you,” Billy Bob said meekly. “But might you actually be uncomfortable with your life?”

“No, I am not uncomfortable with my life,” I barked the lie. “Look, this isn’t what I signed up for. Take me home. Deal’s off.”

“Willa, I’m truly sorry,” Billy Bob said with a soothing voice. “Let’s just not ask any more personal questions, okay?”

“You know you’re quite the hypocrite,” I snapped. “You act all high and mighty. Yet you’re doing this deceitful thing to make your ex-girlfriend jealous and paying hundreds of dollars for it to boot.”

Billy Bob looked at me with a stunned expression for a few seconds before looking away, seemingly ashamed, then he nodded. “You’re absolutely right,” he told me with a defeated voice. “Deal’s off. I’ll take you home.”

Now I was stunned as Billy Bob pulled over, prepared to turn around and take me back home. I wasn’t so much upset about the deal being off as I was the opportunity to go horseback riding. I also wanted to get to know about this man who could win over Free’s trust and affection so easily. But I sure got that off on the wrong foot.  

“Look, Billy, I’m sorry for being so sensitive,” I told him.

He moved to complete the turn around, and I caught his arm. We stayed parked on the side rode as first I sighed and then he sighed.

“Billy Bob, let’s go forward with the project, only without the personal stuff, okay?” I petitioned. “It’s fine if we get a little familiar. But it’s not like we’re trying to become best friends, right?”

He nodded, and we resumed driving in silence. I glanced at Billy Bob. His shirt was rather snug, and he had the first two buttons undone. He had an awesome physique. He wasn’t the most handsome man on the planet, but he definitely wasn’t ugly. He had a bit of a wedge-shaped face, a kind of flat nose, and narrow eyes. His wavy, light brown hair and soft lips were his best features. The thing is, his character and gentle personality made him very attractive to me, enhancing his physical appearance. And I wasn’t used to being drawn to men. I think that’s why I was acting squirrely.

“How do you know these people?” I inquired about the horse owners as the silence began making me uncomfortable.

“Ella Manning goes to the church I used to attend with Carly,” Billy Bob said. “Two years ago, she began treatment for leukemia. She’s now finally in remission. Hayden, her husband, is becoming increasingly plagued by arthritis. So I help them out around their hobby farm. In turn, I have unlimited access to their horses, four wheelers, and what not. They’re like a second family to me. I love them to death.”

“So these people are from your ex’s church? Does that make things awkward?”

“Just Ella attends since Hayden doesn’t go to church. No, it’s not awkward at all. After Carly left me, most people at church took my side, especially the Mannings. Hayden absolutely despises Carly.”

“How’s that work?” I asked with a frown. “I mean, you go to a church where you see your ex with another man every week. Yet it’s her church originally, but most people take your side. Sounds very weird and awkward.”

“I don’t go to church there anymore,” he replied. “Until recently I’ve been, um… Adrift or even backslidden.”

“What’s backslidden?”

“Fallen away.”

“Fallen away from what?”

He shrugged and winced. “Following God, at least to the fullest.”

“What does following your God entail?”

“Jesus said if you love Me, keep my commandments,” he replied. Then he told me where it was in the Bible. “John 14:15.”

“Do as you will shall be the whole of the law,” I heard myself say. I didn’t understand why I said that and didn’t think too deeply about its meaning. I was just being obstinate.

“Are you a Satanist?” Billy asked with an air of concern.

“No… why?”

“That’s right out of the Satanic, so called, bible.”

“So,” I said defiantly as I crossed my arms. “I believe in free will.”

“Me too.”

“Are you a Satanist?” I spit sarcastically.

“Of course not.”

“Then how can you believe in free will? Your God in the Bible killed people that didn’t follow Him.”

“I beg to differ.”

“Oh yeah? Tell me about Sodom and Gomorrah. Or maybe you’ve heard of Noah’s Ark and a flood that destroyed almost all of the human population?”

“God gave the human race plenty of time to repent before He eradicated evil. In the case of Noah, he spent one hundred and twenty years building the Ark and petitioning people to join him.”

“Well, if God is so good, why does He allow suffering?”

“It goes back to what you said, free will. You can’t have love without choice. This world of sin and suffering is here because Satan and a third of the angels rebelled in heaven. In a nutshell, this earth is a sin experiment caused by Satan and a third of the angels. You can read about it in Revelation chapter 12, and Isaiah 14, beginning with verse 12.”

“I don’t want to read about it,” I said as my brain whirled and my emotions stirred. Then losing control I blurted my deepest, darkest secret. In the state of Iowa, only Zella knew this. And I didn’t even tell her until we knew each other for two years. So why did I tell Billy Bob in just our second encounter? “Where was God when my dad murdered my mother?”

Billy glanced at me with a stunned expression. I couldn’t stop tears from coming, and this only increased my anger. I should have never agreed to go out with this naïve fool!

That’s what I thought at the time. I now view him as the wisest man I’ve personally known. He pulled the truck over. He took my hand in his. I jerked it away. He didn’t try to take it again, but he spoke ever so softly and caringly. “Oh Willa. So that’s why your face was so filled with pain in that horse picture.”

“He hadn’t killed her yet,” I replied with a small, squeaky voice that betrayed the rage boiling inside me. “It was a couple months after that day the photo was taken.”

“But he’d already killed your spirit,” Billy said quietly.

I felt touched that he seemed to get me. But I was embarrassed with my vulnerability. Then the bitterness at the cards life dealt me rose into anger. “You didn’t answer me, Billy! Where was God when my dad obliterated my beautiful mother’s face with a gun blast?”

Until then I had been avoiding his gaze. But now I wanted to shoot anger lazers from my eyes into his. But my breath caught a little when I looked at him. Tears were streaming from his eyes, and I had never been looked at with such love and compassion. His lower lip trembled as he spoke words that would echo in my head, and ultimately change my life.

Gently and lovingly he spoke. “God was at the same place He was when His son was brutally murdered for the sins of the world. He knows and understands your pain, Willa. And one day soon, He will end all pain and suffering, and wipe away all tears. That’s found in Revelation 21:4.”

I began to fall in love with Billy Bob and God simultaneously after this encounter. But Billy was in love with his ex and wanted her back. Thankfully, God was available as I slowly opened my heart to my Creator and Redeemer!