CHAPTER 13

ANNABELLE KNIGHT

In the early morning hours of Wednesday October 22, 1986, I was planning on committing suicide.  It was one day before I was to turn forty years of age.  I was going to shoot up enough heroin to overdose twice.  

I had poked the needle into my arm, and my thumb was poised to compress the syringe. Then I had my first real thought of what came next.  I had arrived at a point in my life where I considered myself an atheist. But lately I was becoming an agnostic because of that pesky Jacob Weston.

But he wasn’t really a pest. He was an amazing young man, who inadvertently played a role in saving my life. With the needle still in my arm, his face from a couple days ago loomed in my mind’s eye. Our brief, simple conversation began to echo in my head.

“How are you Belle?” He had simply asked. But it wasn’t just a greeting, an attempt to exchange pleasantries. Jacob genuinely wanted to know because I could see it in his eyes. And believe me, I’ve been looked at by a lot of male eyes.

“Well, I’m contemplating suicide, Jacob. How are you?” I thought. Then I mustered up my best acting ability, faking a smile. “Fine, how are you?”

His eyes lingered on mine for a couple seconds as if searching. I wanted to somehow hide within myself. Yet at the same time I felt something like love for this young man. I would realize later that Jesus was reaching me through His devoted follower.

“I’m good,” Jacob said with a smile as he then went about his day.

As I watched him walk away, I had a strong desire to meet his wife. What was the woman like? The young lady who was fortunate enough to call Jacob Weston her husband. How would my life had been different if I had met a Jacob before I ever took my first drink, my first drug, or undressed for a room full of men?

So now that I would no longer be living, was there an afterlife?  If so, would I be entering something better or worse?  I was in the biggest catch twenty two of my life.  I couldn’t stand living on this earth anymore, but I feared what might come next.

I had spent twenty years in adult entertainment.  I was raised by a single mother who had brought numerous men into our home throughout my upbringing.  Unfortunately, a couple of those men deemed it their right to sexually molest and violate me.  It was a devastating situation in my life, but eventually it showed me that there is an illusory power in sex.  So I decided to use it to my advantage.

I didn’t care what my mother thought of my life decision. But my little brother was a different story. He was embarrassed when it got around our neighborhood that Belle Knight was a stripper. When he became distastefully religious, his embarrassment turned to judgement.

By the time I met Jacob, I had been retired from stripping for just over a year. I had been unable to find a decent job over those twelve months. But my resume was simply exotic dancer, nude model, and occasional prostitute. The only real job I ever had was a brief stint as waitress at truck stop when I was a teenager.

I had a good bit of money put away, but it wasn’t enough to live multiple years on.  I saw no real future for me, and I hated looking at the past with all of the sleaze.  The thousands of male hands that had pawed my body like demonic phantoms.  With all of the sex, drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes ingested, my life had been one continuum of sordidness.

I looked at the needle in my arm, and my thumb poised to inject a lethal amount of drug into my vein. Jacob loomed into my mind’s eye. I wondered what he would think or say when he heard the news? I hated the thought of disappointing him. I hated the fact that he would know that I had lied about being fine.  

I decided to hang on for at least one more day. Maybe on my birthday I would bring about my death day. I pulled the syringe out of my arm.  I’m eternally grateful that I did.  Later on that day, I had a miraculous encounter with a beautiful angel, and her name was Mary Gold Weston.

I spent most of the day in bed.  Somewhere around three or four in the afternoon I felt compelled to go for a walk in Green Square Park, which was only a couple of blocks from my apartment.  Something about the busy world bustling around me when I was so lonely and hurting inside brought on a wave of depression so strong it was almost disabling.  

The beautiful Indian summer afternoon seemed to mock my pain.  I found a quiet bench in the park and wept bitterly.  When the torment subsided, I strolled the park, dragging my feet through some autumn leaves when I heard a familiar voice call out to me.

“Hey Belle!” It was Jacob Weston’s voice that beckoned me. How could that be?

He was walking toward me with a woman who must have been his wife.  I had a feeling of dread because I was sure that it was obvious that I had been crying.  Without being able to look in a mirror, I could feel that my eyes were puffy, red, and bloodshot from alcohol and poor sleep.  

“Hey, missed you at work today,” Jacob said with his typical big, infectious grin.

“Yeah,” I croaked. “I wasn’t feeling well.”

His smile faltered and I knew that he noticed that my puffy, red eyes probably looked like boiled tomatoes.

“Are you okay?”he asked with a concerned expression.

“Yeah, I’m feeling better,” I lied. “I think I had some type of bug.”

“Oh, Belle, this is my wife, Mary,” he said. “Mary, this is Annabelle Knight.  She works at Lake.”

“Nice to meet you, Annabelle,” Mary said, extending her hand. Her smile was as warm and friendly as her husband’s.

I took her soft, yet strong hand in mine and marveled at how cute she was.  With her large eyes and small nose, framed with silky auburn hair, she looked like a Precious Moments figurine come to life.  Her alabaster skin and complexion couldn’t have been more lush and feminine.  Next to her my skin probably looked like leather. Given my emotional state, I truly felt like an old hag.

“Nice to meet you,” I told her. “Please call me Belle.”

“I’m so glad to meet you, Belle” she said. Despite my state of being, I was intrigued to meet Jacob’s wife. But he eyed me with concern, and I felt my unease continue to grow.  Knowing Jacob, I figured he wasn’t going to just pretend nothing was wrong.  

“Is something wrong, Belle?” Jacob asked, as he put a gentle hand on my arm. Something about that simple gesture of affection caused a surge of emotion that I fought unsuccessfully to control.

“No,” I croaked the obvious lie as I shook my head.

Having someone care even a little bit about me when I had never felt more alone in my life caused tears to come like a tiny storm cloud.  Embarrassed, I turned and began to briskly walk away, saying over my shoulder, “I’ve got to go.”

But Jacob grabbed my wrist, stopping me. “Hey, Belle, what’s wrong?” he asked in a soft, soothing voice. “You can talk to us. We won’t judge, we’ll understand, I promise.”

I shook my head and felt my whole body quiver.

“Annabelle,” Jake said calmly, yet sternly. Even though I was old enough to be his mother, he felt like a father figure, and it drew me in.

“Please,” he continued. “I’m not trying push anything on you.  I know you don’t like religion.  But I believe that God miraculously sent us here so we would run into you.”

I was skeptical, but I gazed at him with my look telling him to proceed.

“Mary had a dream about you last night,” Jacob told me. “She had never seen you before, not even a picture.  Yet she pointed you out to me a minute ago, and said you looked like the woman from a dream she had last night that troubled her.  That’s when I told her that I knew you! This is stunning!”

Yes it was! I didn’t know what to make of it. I glanced at Mary.  She watched me, her eyes brimming with tears. I spent two decades in the sex industry, coming across hundreds of attractive women.  Mary Gold was in that moment, and to me still is today, the most beautiful woman I have ever met.  The thing is her physical beauty is second to her loving personality. She and Jacob were a perfect match!

Mary Gold took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. “Please talk to us, Belle. I believe God sent us here for a reason.”

My mind reeled until it settled on a thought that I had never embraced before.  I considered that there really is a God, and just maybe he loved Annabelle Knight!

MARY GOLD

When Jake and I went to Green Square Park and he saw a woman that he worked with, I was absolutely stunned.  I don’t recall ever meeting Annabelle Knight previous to this encounter in the park.  I knew of her because Jake had previously talked about her and described her quite thoroughly. He told me that he thought she was troubled, and he felt an extra burden for her soul.  

But she was in my dream, I just knew it! In my nightmare, I was a nurse in an old mental hospital while Annabelle was a hysterical patient.  She tried to stab me with a knife, but Jake knocked it out of her hands.  Then she grabbed it again and tried to stab herself, but I stopped her.  She fell to her knees sobbing, asking for my forgiveness.  

I forgave her and she grabbed me in an embrace.  I thought her actions were violent at first, but she clung to me in some sort of desperation.  We began to rise in the air and the next thing I knew we were outside rising higher and higher.  It became frightening as we soared high above the earth. Then when we began to plummet back to earth, it startled me awake.

It was one of those dreams that kind of affects your day whereas you feel off kilter somehow.  Jake and I had planned to go to dinner at a Chinese restaurant downtown. Then afterward we would go to prayer meeting at our church at 6:30.  

We parked about a block away from the restaurant at 5:05 and began to walking toward the Chinese diner.  As we walked, I had a strong urge to go the opposite direction and take a relaxing stroll through Green Square Park.  It was almost a need, so I petitioned Jake.

“Boy, that will push it for us to be on time for prayer meeting,” Jake said, as he glanced at his watch.

Jake was really uptight when it came to being on time. He hated to be late for anything.  So I brought out my strongest weapon when I wanted to get my way with him.

“Please,” I said with wide eyes and a little pout. “I really feel like I need a little exercise.  My head needs clearing or something. Besides, it’s a beautiful day. Before you know it, winter will be here.”

“Oh, alright,” Jake said with an easy smile.

We weren’t but two steps into the park when I spotted a woman who looked like the person from my dream the previous night.  It felt like my jaw dropped to my shoes.

“That’s her!” I said, pointing with stunned disbelief.

“Her who?” Jake asked. “What are you talking about?

“That looks like the woman from my nightmare last night!”

“Huh?” he frowned.

“That’s her!” I declared again. “Over there, walking through the leaves.”

“Hey, I know her! That’s Belle Knight!” Jake almost shouted. “I work with her at Lake. She was the woman in the mental hospital?”

“Yes.”

“Have you met her before?”

“No, I don’t think so.  I mean maybe, but honestly I don’t think so.”

“Whoa, seriously?”

“Seriously. But you did describe her in great detail.”

Jake called out to her. When she saw him, she looked stricken as if she wanted to flee.  She looked distraught and horrible. Whatever was going on with her, my heart went out to her.  Jake introduced us.  Her eyes were puffy and red as they were in my nightmare. 

Jake noticed it too, and he asked her if something was wrong.  She shook him off, but Jake persisted.  Then she began to weep.  Jake told her about my dream and then how I felt compelled to go for a walk in the park. Then low and behold there she was.  Belle gazed at me in utter disbelief.  

There was so much emotional pain and hopelessness in her face that I felt my throat tighten, my eyes filled with tears, and leaked down my cheeks. Then she broke open like a burst dam and a flood of words tangled in deep emotional pain spewed forth in a rush. She confessed to us her suicidal tendencies and just how close she was to taking the plunge. And I mean a literal plunge with a syringe filled with an overdose of heroin.

What miracle in how God led us to this troubled soul!

BELLE

            I felt like life was extending me an olive branch, and I took a firm grip. I ended my brief bio by telling them about the previous night.

“Late last night,” I said with a small, hoarse voice. “I almost ended my life. But I decided to hang on another day.”

I tried to laugh, but a sob came out instead. Mary Gold’s arms opened and she stepped toward me. I went into her embrace like a small child needing her mother and more sobs came in a torrent. She was so delicate, yet strong. The way she smelled was like a flowery meadow lit with bright sunshine. Looking back, I marvel at how much comfort I took from a woman that I had just met.

“I’m sorry,” I said when my crying jag ended. I pulled away from Mary Gold.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for,” Mary Gold said with a sweet voice, her own face tear stained. I felt loved.

“This is so embarrassing,” I said, finally able to smile.

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about,” she said.

“Come have dinner with us,” Jacob said. “My treat.”

I was actually hungry since I hadn’t eaten anything since the day before. But I politely declined, not wanting to impose.

“Please join us,” Mary Gold pleaded, touching my arm. “I really want to get to know you in the worst way.”

Then she frowned, glanced at Jacob, then smiled. “Maybe I should say best way. Please?” Again, her face exuded such exquisite love I couldn’t say no. But I couldn’t say yes either.

“Are you sure?” I asked.

“Absolutely!” Mary Gold exclaimed.

“I don’t want to get in the middle of your romantic dinner,” I told them.

“Ah,” Jacob responded, waving a hand. “There’s nothing romantic about it.”

Mary Gold looked at Jacob, and Jacob looked at Mary Gold. Mary Gold tilted her cute little face at him inquisitively, and he began to back pedal.

“What I mean is,” Jacob said. “When we’re together, there is constant, abiding love, and romance, whether we are alone or not.”

He aimed a charming smile at Mary Gold, and she giggled. She patted his cheek, and I genuinely laughed for the first time in I don’t know how long. I couldn’t say no to this lifeline.

“I would love to join you, then.” I said. “If you’re sure that I’m not imposing.”

“Great!” Jacob declared, then surprised me by pulling me into a hug.

When Jacob hugged me, I felt something that I had never experienced in my life. And that was a father’s love. I was a day away from turning forty and Jake was young enough to be my son, but that is what I felt. I clung to him and began to cry again.

The right side of my face burrowed into his chest. He didn’t say a word, but simply held me with one arm as he stroked my hair with his other hand. We must have stayed that way for a minute or two as I relished the comfort. Then realizing what kind of woman I had been, and paranoid of what his wife might think, I pushed abruptly away from him.

“I’m sorry,” I told Mary Gold, choking on my words. “I never had a father. I couldn’t let go of him for some reason. I know that sounds stupid since he’s young enough to be my son, I just never…”

“Oh honey,” she said, rubbing circles on my back. “You have absolutely no reason to apologize.”

So, I went to dinner with Mary Gold and Jacob. Afterward we went back to their apartment, and Mary Gold and I stayed up the entire night talking. I poured my whole soul out to her that night.

With gentle persuasion she tried to talk me into giving my life to Jesus. I told her that I was too great of a sinner to do that right then. She insisted that Christ would accept me right where I was in my life. Then with her sweet, melodious voice, she began to softly sing to me the hymn “Just as I am.”

I couldn’t say no to her or the feelings of peace I was experiencing. I reluctantly knelt with her and surrendered my life to Christ. From that moment on I never looked back.  It was the strangest day of my life. As the sun began to rise, I ended up crashing on their couch.

Looking back now, three decades later, I marvel at the day when my own mind almost ended my life. Then that same day, having more than a chance encounter with two Godly people that turned me onto the path to life eternal. They say that God works in mysterious ways. I say that is an understatement.

I’ve been told that my testimony has saved other people. Not only from outright suicide, but suicide on the installment plan through a self-destructive lifestyle. I have been involved in a women’s ministry for thirty years. The primary focus of my ministry is young ladies in adult entertainment.

A few years ago, my niece, Destiny joined me in this endeavor. She too had been in adult entertainment, briefly as a stripper and then several years doing porn. She was almost raped and murdered when she was a teenage stripper. Several years later, her rapist was released from prison and put a hit on her. He hired a deranged cult to fulfill his murderous intentions.

Ironically, the man who saved her from being raped, and likely murdered, had reunited with her after many years. The timing of their reacquaintance couldn’t have been more perfect. He once again protected her from potential violence.

Destiny’s tale of woe and redemption will begin next week with the Johnathan Embers story ‘Knight Storm.’

People have asked me if thinking about Jacob Weston really saved my life. I believe it did. I was just putting pressure on the syringe of my lethal overdose, and the thought of him asking how I was a couple days before stopped me. If it wasn’t for that, what would have stopped me? I suppose God could have given me another thought, but He didn’t. It was Jacob and his thoughtful concern for me.

 The lesson is this. Never underestimate the potential of a simple kindness, no matter how small. And no matter how bleak life gets, don’t give up hope!    

THE END