CHAPTER 11

JAKE

“Mary,” I said solemnly. “Before we go talk to Pastor Samson and then look for a ring, I need to tell you the circumstances around Heather and I breaking up.  I’m afraid that after I explain the situation, you may reconsider wanting to marry me.”

We took a seat on the sofa.  Mary Gold gazed into my eyes, concern written all over her face. I felt my toes curl as I anticipated the words that would be coming out of my mouth.

“Is it really that bad?” She wanted to know.

“I don’t know,” I said. “You’re so wholesome and innocent, and my story is kind of twisted. It might not seem all that bad from the world’s standards, but…”

Her features softened and she took my hand in hers.

“I’m more aware of the ways of the world than you may realize,” she assured me.

“Okay, so do you know that the majority of young guys, um… pleasure themselves?” I asked.

Mary Gold frowned and then her face brightened. “Do you mean masturbate?”

I could feel my face turn five shades of red as I cringed.

“Yes,” I replied. “Well, I’m ashamed to admit that I occasionally have been part of the  majority in this area.  So, there were times when Heather and I found ourselves alone at her house.  She wasn’t ever allowed to come to mine.  So these times that we were alone, we quite often do a lot of kissing, and so on.  Then when I was alone, I would, ah…”

“Masturbate?” she asked, and it seemed to echo throughout the house.

“Yes,” I said, looking around nervously as if somebody could have just appeared from out of nowhere. “And that’s why I wanted for us to just behave as friends until we were married. Because from previous experience, I knew if we did even moderate kissing, I would likely feel the overwhelming desire to… You know…”

“Masturbate?”

“Mary, will you please stop saying that?” I instructed more sternly than I wished.

She looked a little surprised. “It’s just the technical term for someone who has sex with themselves.”

I winced. “That sounds even worse.”

“Alright,” she shrugged. “I won’t say it again.”

“Fine,” I replied. “Anyway, we, mostly Heather, wanted to refrain from actual sex until we were married. But over time I had subtly convinced her that waiting until we were out of college was a long, long time. Plus, I think she was getting hot and bothered by our long kissing sessions as well, and I picked up a couple indications that the time might have been ripe. So I wanted to be ready.

“On an afternoon when we were going to have quite a bit of time alone together, I had brought a condom with me. After, I don’t know, a half hour of kissing, and our clothes becoming, um, less restrictive, I excused myself to use the restroom. I thought I would be ready if the moment came. And if it didn’t, maybe I could try to, you know… while were kissing.

Mary Gold’s lips had been pursed, but she forced a smile and nodded.

“But, as stupid as it may sound,” I continued. “I didn’t know what I was doing, and I unraveled the prophylactic before trying to put it on. For several long minutes I tried unsuccessfully to adorn the latex covering, but to no avail.

 “So I got frustrated and just flushed the condom and it’s wrapper down the toilet. I knew I couldn’t throw it in the trash, and apparently I was too dense, or over dulled by raging hormones, to realize I should have just shoved it into my pocket and disposed of it later.

“Well, unbeknownst to me, the toilet regurgitated the condom and its wrapper.  When Mr. Baumgartner came home, he discovered the condom and its wrapper floating in his toilet.  He blew a gasket big time. I had gone home by then, but somehow Heather found a way to call me.  She was crying hysterically as she told me about her father finding the condom and accusing her of having sex with me.  I was mortified, but I felt like I needed to come clean. As hard as it was, I went over to the Baumgartner’s and explained everything to Mr. Baumgartner.”

I stopped talking and looked at the floor, shaking my head.  Mary Gold squeezed my hand. “That must have been difficult.”

“And how!” I replied. “I have yet to experience a worse moment in my life. Plus it was like salt in a wound. I was already disappointed enough about my failed plans.”

Mary Gold developed a forlorn expression and looked away from me. I realized what a stupid thing that was to say and took her hand. “But now that I have you in my life. And more importantly God. I’ve never been more pleased that Heather and I never, um, went all the way, so to speak.”

Mary Gold smiled happily, squeezing my hand. Then she kissed me on the lips. “I too am glad that your unholy intentions failed.”

“So you still want to marry me?” I asked her.

“Of course I do!” Mary Gold said emphatically. “If I was looking for a perfect person with no mistakes in their life, I’d end up a pretty lonely lady.”

“You don’t find this story creepy, though?” I asked.

“Oh, a bit, I guess,” she said. “I know this was an awful experience for you, but I mostly find it kind of funny.”

“Gee, thanks,” I said.

“So how did Heather’s father react when you confessed?” Mary Gold asked.

“He angrily called me a pervert in several different ways,” I told her. “Then he declared that I was never to see his daughter again.”

“Did you ever speak with her again?” Mary Gold asked.

“Briefly,” I answered. “The church we both belonged to found out. You know how gossip works. It soon got around school. But, much like gossip, what got around wasn’t what actually happened.”

“Well, what got around?” She asked with a frown.

“That we got caught fornicating, rather than I tried to flush an unused condom down the toilet. The weird thing is, which I’ll never figure out, Heather, as far as I know, never set the record straight with our peers.”

“Did you set the record straight?”

I hung my head. “No. My buddies all treated me like a hero, so I let them think what they wanted. If Heather would have set the record straight, though, I would have backed her up. But I just remained silent, never confirming or denying.”

“So, the truth never did come out?”

“Not that I know of. Like most things, when the newness wears off, people forget. But  because the sorted tale involved me, it’s way more personal to me. So, are you sure my story doesn’t bother you?

“I’m positive,” she said “I’m sure it’s a bigger deal in your own mind. Like you said, because it happened to you, it’s more relevant to you.  Plus, remember we have all sinned and come short of the glory of God.”

“So do you have a story even a little bit like mine?” I asked.

“Well, no” she said.

“I didn’t think so.”

“I have to admit, I’m glad your ploy didn’t work out,” Mary Gold said. “I’m already tempted to be jealous of you kissing passionately with a girl prettier than me. Let alone if you succeeded with the thing you flushed down the toilet.”

“Mary Gold, Heather is quite attractive to be sure. But in my eyes, nobody is prettier, more beautiful, and after seeing you in that dress, sexier than you.”

“You’re sweet,” she said before she kissed me softly on the lips and then put a gentle hand on my cheek.  

Then Mary’s countenance instantly changed to one of concern as she put a hand to her mouth. “Me wearing that little dress and sort of seducing you,” she said. “Is that going to cause you to, um…?”

“Um what?”

Then I realized what she was saying just as she said, “You told me to stop using that word.”

I just groaned, and said with a moan, “No, I’ll just take a cold shower.”

“Hey, is that why the Apostle Paul said in 1 Corinthians that if you can’t contain it is better to marry?” She asked happily.

I put my face into my hands and sighed deeply. But then lifted my head suddenly, and replied. “I suppose it is! Let’s go see the pastor!”

TOO SCARE OR NOT TOO SCARE

When at work at Lake Produce Incorporated, I had developed an evil propensity to startle people whenever the occasion presented itself. For one of my three years at Lake,  I worked with a guy named Dave Hudson. He and I shared the same maniacal desire to frighten people, and then it turned into a bit of a competition.  

Is it wicked to find amusement in the instantaneous fright of a fellow human being?  I don’t know what it was about working at Lake, because I never behaved this immaturely at any other place I had ever worked. Periodically throughout my three years there I found delight in hiding behind a door or a pallet of product and startling people. I never understood why, and nobody ever seriously retaliated against me until David Hudson began temporarily working there.

Dave was almost thirty, had a college degree and was in between jobs.  I knew that he wouldn’t be at Lake long and I was right; he was gone in just under a year.  He and I made the most of that year though. We became instant friends and developed a friendly competition in fright.

I guess that I got the ball rolling on Dave’s third day when I went to use the restroom and found that it was occupied.  I knew that Lenny was gone, so I wasn’t concerned with whom my prey was.  I lurked in hiding and waited.  When Dave burst forth from the restroom, I leapt from my concealment and screamed.  Dave, wide eyed, plastered himself against the wall, and called me a name before chuckling himself, declaring he owed me.

Lon played music somewhat loudly.  When I needed to retrieve something from his area, if he didn’t see me come in, I went on the attack.  I would go and stand a foot or two from him and wait for him to turn around.  It always startled him. Not because of screams or waving arms, but just my unexpected presence. After all, I didn’t want to give the old hippie a heart attack.

One day Jeb came out of the sprout room, laughing and shaking his head.  

“What’s so funny?” I asked him.

“I went in to get a ten pound bag of bean sprouts and Lon lifted about a foot off of the ground when I spoke to him,” Jeb said, chuckling. “So I say to him, man you’re jumpy.  He says that if you worked here most of the day with Jake around you’d be jumpy too.”

My car wouldn’t start one day when my workday was done. So Mary Gold came and picked me up.  The next day, Kurt Wilson, a driver that had a couple of late routes approached me.

“Man, you got me good yesterday and I don’t think that you were even here,” he said.

“How’s that?”  I asked.

“I got back from my route and saw your car was still here.  I went into the building and it was eerily dark and quiet.  The whole time that I was taking care of my returns and paperwork, I expected you to jump out at any time.  I must have flinched a dozen times at shadows before I left.”

The first time Dave got me back occurred when we were loading trucks together.  We were both instructed by Jeb to go after our assigned products.  Apparently Dave also focused on where I was going, because instead of retrieving what he was supposed to pursue, he loomed above me with a shout as I obtained my product.  I reeled back startled as he and Jeb doubled over with laughter.

One time when Dave and I were loading trucks by ourselves, I happened to see him duck under the table where we kept the loading invoices as I was coming out of a cooler.  I knew that he was going to jump out at me when I went to look for some other product to retrieve.  I put what I had on the pallet that we were loading.

“Hey, Lenny,” I pretended. “Did you order more green onions?”

Dave quickly scrambled from beneath the table with panic on his face.  He looked relieved when he saw me with no Lenny present and standing alone.

“What were you doing under there, Dave?” I asked.

He laughed with me as he shook his head.

I was showing Dave a new route one day.  We were in the back of an alley behind a restaurant.  We threw our two wheel carts into the back of the truck and rolled down the door.  Dave and I walked back to the truck, Dave on the left side and me on the right.  What I did not anticipate was Dave running around to the front of the truck and waiting until I opened my door.  When I did, his hand grabbed onto my ankle and he let forth a blood curdling scream that sent a jolt of fear to run up my spine.  In response my leg jerked instinctively upward as I also screamed. Unfortunately and unintentionally, he slammed his wrist into the bottom of the truck door.

“Ouch,” Dave bellowed as he hopped around clutching his arm laughing and moaning at the same time.

The route that I trained Dave on was very heavy the next day so I went with him again.  On this day he drove instead of me.  I noticed that when we returned to the truck, Dave subtly peered to the front of the truck to see if I was going to retaliate.  I took a different approach.  You have to realize that we drove straight trucks, so there was plenty of room underneath.  At one of our last stops I crawled quickly underneath and barked like a dog, loudly and ferociously.  Dave’s eyes got huge as he put a hand to his chest and he must have jumped two feet.

Once when Lenny was on vacation, I conspired with Lon to get Dave.  Now I had a habit of subtly sneaking up on Lon and giving him a spook.  Dave on the other hand took a more malicious delight in outright stalking Lon, so Lon was more than willing to assist me in getting Dave good.

When we finished loading a route, I went to the sprout room to tell Lon what we needed for sprouts.  I also told him to give me one minute to walk to the office with the load papers.   Then I would go outside, run around the building, and slip in the back door.  I would then secure a hiding place in the dark bean sprout room. 

Lon lured Dave into the bean sprout room, pretending to need a hand with something.  When they were present, I jumped out with a blood curdling scream.  Even as dark as it was, I could see the whites of Dave’s eyes.  Another way that I knew that I got Dave good was Lon himself.  He said that it even startled him and he knew that it was coming.

In Iowa in the mid 1980’s, I never locked the doors of my car.  Dave changed that forever.  It was a few weeks before Christmas and I finished late one day.  It was around 6:00 pm, so it was completely dark.  I had driven about a block or two when Dave sprang from my backseat like a jack in the box.  An ear piercing shriek spewing forth from his mouth.  This time he got me so good it caused me to emit a squirt of urine.

The next Friday, Dave was to go in early to do a Des Moines route.  He was to start a half hour before I did my part time gig at UPS.  I decided to go over to his place to say good morning.

“Do you have some old pantyhose I could borrow?” I asked Mary Gold.

Her mouth fell open and she stared at me with a stunned expression. “Did I hear that right?”

“Preferably dark ones,” I said matter of factly.

Now she looked concerned, so I told her my plan.

“Sweetie, don’t you think that you and Dave are getting out of hand?”

“This will be the last one,” I said.

“Yes, until Dave gets you again,” Mary Gold said.

“I can’t let the back seat episode go unretaliated,” I said. “Do you realize he scared me so bad that I…”

“Yes, I know,” she interrupted. Then granted my wish, providing me with a hideous facial disguise.

Ten hours later, my head entirely covered with my wife’s old nylons, I waited in Dave’s bushes. It occurred to me later that I would have had a hard time explaining what I was doing to a passing police officer.

When Dave was a couple of feet away, going to his car, I leapt from the shrubs with a low roar, my hands like claws.  Dave returned to his house to change. Retaliation a success! Not long after we agreed to a truce. It turned out easy for us to comply because Dave left for better employment shortly thereafter.