LXIX

FOR WHERE YOUR TREASURE IS, THEREWILL YOUR HEART BE ALSO

MATTHEW 6:21

DESTINY KNIGHT-STORM

God works in mysterious ways!

The first time I saw my future husband, he was working security at my place of employment. I was wearing only shoes and socks, and virtually nothing else. I was on a stage in a sleezy, yet supposedly classy, nightclub for alleged gentlemen. The thing that struck me about Brock was every time I discovered him looking at me, it was at my face and not my body, with his amazing light brown eyes.

A lot of girls had a crush on him. Except for several scars, with a couple being on his face, he looked like a male model who happened to be built like a linebacker. Yet he was always aloof to any flirtations induced by the exotic dancers he protected. This caused a few to whisper about his sexual preferences. I was actually only mildly interested in him. Until he saved me from being violently raped.

Some have called it a hero complex or some such, and I’m not gonna deny that it played a role. But it was those gentle light brown eyes that looked into my own windows to the soul that made my heart do flip flops. Just as significant was his steady, calm voice saying “I got you,” as I melted into his safe, incredibly strong arms.

Not long before I began stripping, I discovered that I was bisexual. When I witnessed how men behaved at the so called ‘gentlemen’s club,’ followed by an attempted rape, I found myself pursuing intimate relationships with other women exclusively. Yet over the years, my reoccurring fantasy was of Brock. His gentle words, “I got you,” became “I love you,” and then happily ever after in a variety of ways.

I never in my wildest dreams thought it would actually come true. Especially when we went our separate ways after my attack. Then one year became two, then three and four. Then I became monogamous, other than intimacy required for work, with a wild, yet beautiful girl named Sofi. One year became two, two became three, and I was convinced she and I would live somewhat happily ever after.

I’m surprised we lasted as long as we did given the circumstances. We met on a porn set. We both had dysfunctional backgrounds. We both heavily smoked weed. We both had jealousy issues because our jobs required us to have sex with other women.

We both reached a point where we needed to either break up or get out of porn. We chose the latter. We also chose to leave southern California for Iowa City, Iowa. Not just because it was LGBT friendly, but it was also the halfway point of both of our hometowns. Sofi was from the St. Louis area, while I was from Minneapolis.

Sofi insisted that we needed to start our new lives sober. My heart wasn’t into it, but I tried. Once clean, I became regretful of my career in adult entertainment. I also became resentful of Sofi, and to some degree, uncomfortable in a lesbian relationship. But I felt like she was all I had, and I loved her.

Ironically, it was she who left me, declaring gay sex to be an abomination. She had been in contact with her very conservative, religious parents, and expressed regret. They requested she repent, and return a prodigal daughter to the family that had disowned her half a decade earlier. She moved back to St. Louis, and to the people she had always declared to be abusive and fanatical.

I was completely alone for the first time in my life. I was depressed, and completely relapsed into heavy drugs and alcohol. I became suicidal. One night I fully intended to fatally overdose. I didn’t know what stopped me. At the time, I chocked it up to a good buzz, and decided to wait one more day. I now believe it was the Holy Spirit. That night, I dreamt about my Aunt Belle. The next day, instead of ending my life, I looked her up.

I had known she had a ministry for women in adult entertainment. She had tried to contact me a few times over the years, and I knew I must have been an embarrassment to her. I didn’t care because I hated religion! My dad was outwardly pious and an elder at his church, yet a flaming hypocrite. Sofi had told me about her strict religious upbringing. She spoke of being beaten by her father after getting caught wearing a miniskirt. Then banished to her room to copy scriptures into a notebook until it was full.  

I felt compelled to research my aunt. To my surprise, I discovered she lived only twenty miles away from me. I decided to go see where she lived, but hadn’t made up my mind whether or not I would stop. I saw her! She happened to be outside, cooling down from a run. As nervous as I have ever been in my life, and with my tail between my legs, I pulled into her driveway and approached a woman I hadn’t seen in over a decade.

I was blown away by her welcome! She was so excited to see me, and hugged me like a long lost daughter rather than a niece she barely knew! It was her kindness that led me to tell her everything. She listened with patience and compassion. Then she told me she too had almost ended her life thirty years previous. She too was saved by a dream, albeit not her own.

(This  Annabelle Knight incident is told toward the end of Johnathan Embers’ e-book ‘Spoiled produce’).

Right off the bat, my Aunt Belle began sharing scripture with me, but most importantly, the love of Jesus. She quickly became like a mother to me. In just days I accepted Christ as my personal Savior. Some people, after hearing my testimony, are astounded that my life turned around so quickly and drastically. But I almost literally died to self at my own hand. So it may have been easier for me than most to die carnally and be risen to newness of life spiritually in Christ Jesus.

Although, having a new life in Christ and a new perspective, it didn’t leave me free from temptation. And the first temptation came in the way of one of the biggest surprises I’ve ever had in my life. Granted Iowa does border Minnesota, so its not like Brock and I ran into each halfway around the world in Melbourne, Australia. But seriously. I never thought I’d run into Brock in a modest size church in rural Iowa a decade after I last saw him in Minneapolis. At the time I thought, ‘wow, what a coincidence.’ Now, as I took comfort in his arms for about the thousandth time, I’m convinced it was the Lord’s leading, the Lord’s blessing.

“I know you’ve never fully understood why my dad and I clash,” I said to Brock as I reluctantly pulled away from his comforting embrace.

“I get the big picture,” he told me with a reassuring smile as he patted my knee. “The way he treated your mom, the divorce, the evil stepmother, the step siblings you never liked, becoming a stripper, and then porn, coupled with him being a modern day pharisee.”

“That’s pretty much the puzzle,” I said and then sighed. “But you’re missing a crucial piece, and it’s my fault for not telling you. But it’s actually the most painful and puzzling piece of my life’s puzzle.”

“Sweetheart,” Brock said sweetly. “We’ve gotten along pretty well without me knowing about this puzzle piece.”

“No,” I replied, and hated how harsh it sounded. “Given the situation, you know, with him dying and all, I need to tell you. I need your support and understanding.”

“You’ve got it,” he said, giving my knee a squeeze.

“I’ve told you before, when I was in elementary school, that I took dance lessons.”

“You have.”

“So, when I would get home with my mom, she would immediately fix herself a drink and go to her room. My dad would typically be watching the television show ‘Baywatch.’ You know ‘Baywatch,’ right? Hot actresses in swimsuits.”

“I do.”

“So before I could change out of my leotard, my dad would insist I watch the last fifteen minutes or so with him. At first, I was so happy about the attention and eagerly climbed onto his lap. My dad was my hero, and I wanted to please him.”

I paused and looked at my husband. His eyes were still warm and compassionate, but I noticed his jaw tighten. The main reason I had never told him this before is because of his own past. His oldest brother was molested by a priest, and years later, Brock took revenge. He took such a perverse joy in it, becoming a vigilante became sort of a hobby with him. He gave up his “hobby” before his conversion, and before we became reacquainted. His faced relaxed some and he smiled as if to tell me to continue.

“At first I sat on his thigh and he would sometimes stroke my hair. Then he started pulling me more, um, centrally located. This made me uncomfortable, but I didn’t really understand why. On the back side of my leg, and my, you know, behind, I could feel his, um, excitement. I didn’t really understand sexual things yet, but something, even at that young age, made me know what was happening was inappropriate. Yet, he never touched my privates, and I never directly touched his.”

I was unable to look my husband in the eyes. Now my lips trembled so much I was unable to continue speaking. I put my hands to my mouth and discovered they were shaking. Then I looked at Brock, feeling ashamed. He looked at me calm and steady, but tears were running down of both his cheeks. When I saw his compassion, I lost it and began sobbing. He pulled me into an embrace. I love him so much! What a gift from God my husband is!

When I finished crying, he spoke softly into my ear. “I get the point, Dee, I understand.”

I pulled away, shaking my head. “I need to finish. So, it got to the point, I told him, ‘Daddy, I want to just go to my room.’ He would say something like,’ it will be over in a couple minutes.’ Then the last time, he was breathing heavy through his nose, and kind of wiggling. I told him I wanted to go to my room and started to cry. He told me to stop crying, then he told me just one more minute. Then he practically shoved me off of himself and told me to go to my room. Before I left the living room, I turned to look at my father. He was muttering to himself and wiping at a wet spot on his pants.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose and bowed my head. Brock took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. I couldn’t speak, nausea had made my mouth water and now it was clogging my throat. My soulmate handed me a bottle of water.

“I’m almost to the finish line,” I said, and then forced a smile. Brock patted my knee, and forced a smile of his own. “So my dad looks at me looking at him. I’d never seen him look so startled. Then he looked mad and then barked at me. I was so confused, I don’t even remember what he said. What are you looking at, or maybe go to your room.

“But he never asked me to sit on his lap again,” I said, and then snorted a non-humorous laugh. “Our relationship changed after that day, too. He had been the hero that took me to the zoo, flying kites, and teaching me to ride a bike. Then he became a dictator that left my mother, told me I was too young to get earrings, or my skirt was too short.

“The thing is, after getting into adult entertainment, what happened with my dad and me seemed pretty insignificant. I mean, three fourths of the girls I got to know endured more than I did. So many were directly violated by their fathers, stepfathers, uncles, brothers, cousins, or neighbors.”

“Dee,” Brock said ever so softly. “You too were violated. Yes, maybe it was less, um, intense than the people you mentioned. But no little girl should be sitting on her daddy’s lap while he lusts after women in swimsuits.”

“I feel so ugly sitting in front of you right now,” I told him as I tried to shrink into myself.

“Hey, no,” he replied soothingly, and then going to one knee in front of me and taking both of my hands in his. “You’ve never seemed more beautiful to me, sharing that painful part of your life with me took a lot of guts.”

His lower lip quivered ever so slightly and a tear rolled out of his left eye. Seeing my big strong man become so vulnerable because of my pain made me overcome with emotion. I pulled my hands from his and cupped his face before I kissed him. “I love you so much!”

“I love you, too,” he replied with a gentle smile. “How old were you when this lap thing happened with your dad?”

“Eight or nine.”

“And you’ve never discussed it with him?”

“You know,” I said, and then snorted another laugh without humor. “I mostly blocked it from my mind. Things got so bad between him and my mom, then the divorce. I didn’t really think too seriously about it again until I started stripping and did a lap dance for the first time. It’s the main reason I switched to porn so quickly, and exclusively with women.”

“Are you going to see him?”

“Aunt Belle said he wants me to.”

“But are you?”

“Yes, I feel I need to. You’ll come with me, right?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t just mean to Minneapolis. I mean to see my father?”

“Of course, if that’s what you want. Are you gonna bring up what you told me?”

I shook my head. “I’ve already forgiven him.”

“But he didn’t ask.”

“Jesus said ‘Father forgive them, for they know not what they do,’ when he was being crucified. His murderers didn’t ask.”

Brock nodded.

“Let me ask you something,” I petitioned. “What if I would have told you what I did right after we married. Would you have sought vengeance on my father?”

“No.”

“What if I would have asked you to?”

“You wouldn’t have.”

“What if I did?”

“I wouldn’t have killed him. Maybe roughed him up, or scared him.”

“What if I asked you when you were unconverted and in the midst of your vigilante spree?”

A hard look flickered through his eyes, and the scar by his lip twitched.

DESTINY”S BIBLE STUDY NOTES

SUBJECT: HELLFIRE PART 2

Will hellfire eventually go out? “I saw a new heaven and a new earth… And God shall wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away” (Revelation 21:1, 4).

Answer: Yes. The Bible specifically teaches that hellfire will go out. The Bible says that in God’s new kingdom all “former things” will have passed away. Hell, being one of the former things, is included, so we have God’s promise that it will be abolished. An eternal hell of torment would be hell for God also, who loves even the vilest sinner.

What will be left when the fire goes out? “Behold, the day is coming, burning like an oven, and all the proud, yes, all who do wickedly will be stubble. And the day which is coming shall burn them up…That will leave them neither root nor branch… You shall trample the wicked, for they shall be ashes under the soles of your feet on the day that I shall do this; says the Lord of hosts” (Malachi 4:1, 3).

Answer: Notice the verse does not say the wicked will burn like asbestos, as many today believe, but rather like stubble, which will be burned up. The little word UP denotes completion. Nothing but ashes will be left when the fire goes out. In Psalm 37:10, 20, the Bible says the wicked will go up in smoke and be completely destroyed.

Will the wicked enter hell in bodily form and be destroyed both soul and body? “It is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell” (Matthew 5:30). “Rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell” (Matthew 10:28). “The soul who sins shall die” (Ezekiel 18:20).

Answer: Yes, real people enter hell in bodily form and are destroyed both soul and body. The fire from God out of heaven will fall upon unrepentant people and blot them out of existence.

Will the devil be in charge of hellfire? “The devil, who deceived them, was cast into the lake of fire” (Revelation 20:10). “I turned you to ashes upon the earth in the sight of all who saw you… You shall be no more forever” (Ezekiel 28:18, 19).

Answer: Absolutely not! The devil will be cast into the fire, and it will turn him into ashes.

Does the word “hell” as used in the Bible always refer to a place of burning or punishment? No. The word “hell is used 54 times in the Bible (KJV), and in only 12 cases does it refer to “a place of burning.” It is translated from several different words with various meanings.

IN THE OLD TESTAMENT

31 times from “Sheol,” which means “the grave.”

IN THE NEW TESTAMENT

10 times from “Hades,” which also means “the grave.”

12 times from “Gehenna,” which means “the place of burning.”

1 time from “Tartarus,” which  means “a place of darkness.”

HISTORIC NOTE

The word “Gehenna” is a transliteration of the Hebrew “Ge-Hinnom,” which means the “Valley of Hinnom.” This valley, which lies immediately south and west of Jerusalem, was a place where dead animals, garbage, and other refuse were dumped. Fire burned constantly, as it does at modern sanitation sites. The Bible uses “Gehenna” or the “Valley of Hinnom,” as a symbol of the fire that will destroy the lost at the end of time. The fire of Gehenna was not unending. Otherwise, it would still be burning southwest of Jerusalem today. Neither will the fire of hell be unending.

What is God’s real purpose in hellfire? “Depart from me, you cursed, into the everlasting fire prepared for the devil and his angels” (Matthew 25:41). “Anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire” (Revelation 20:15). “For yet a little while and the wicked shall be no more… The enemies of the Lord… shall vanish. Into smoke they shall vanish away” (Psalm 37:10, 20).

Answer: God’s purpose is that hell will destroy the devil, all sin, and the unsaved to make the world safe for eternity. Any vestige of sin left on this planet would be a deadly virus forever threatening the universe. It is God’s plan to blot out sin from existence for all time!

Isn’t the act of destroying the unsaved foreign to God’s nature? “As I live, says the Lord God, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked, but that the wicked turn from his way and live. Turn, turn from your evil ways! For why should you die?” (Ezekiel 33:11). “The Son of Man did not come to destroy men’s lives but to save them” (Luke 9:56). “The Lord will rise up… that He may do His work, His awesome work, and bring to pass His act, His unusual act” (Isaiah 28:21).

Answer: Yes—the work of God has always been to save rather than destroy. The work of destroying the wicked in hellfire is so foreign to God’s nature that the Bible calls it His “unusual act.” God’s great heart will ache at the destruction of the wicked. He works diligently to save every soul! But if one spurns His love and clings to sin, God will have no choice but to destroy the unrepentant sinner when He rids the universe of the horrible, malignant growth called “sin” in the fires of the last day.

God will be deeply saddened when He must destroy those His Son died to save!

What are God’s post-hell plans for the earth and His people? “He will make an utter end of it. Affliction will not rise up a second time” (Nahum 1:9). “I create new heavens and a new earth; and the former things shall not be remembered or come to mind” (Isaiah 65:17). “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people. God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain” (Revelation 21:3, 4).

Answer: After hellfire goes out, God will create a new earth and restore it to His people—with all the beauties and glories of Eden before sin entered. Pain, death, tragedy, tears, sickness, disappointment, anxiety, depression, sorrow, and all sin will be banished forever.

Sin will not rise again. God promises that sin will never rise again. His people will be filled with perfect peace, love, joy, and contentment. The mind can’t imagine, and words can’t describe!